1) No dollar menu item shall cost more than or less than a dollar.
The philosophy of the dollar menu is a simple one; slap down a dollar and in return receive a small portion of instant gratification at the expense of long-term health. In all but one state that has no taxes (name withheld so the other 49 don’t pick on him), the government pushes these items above a dollar. It’s not a buck and nine cents menu, it’s a dollar menu. If I slap down my Sacajawea, I expect to receive two apple pies and that’s the end of the transaction, aside from being ridiculed for actually using dollar coins. Stop the state and local governments from redefining a dollar as a buck and change via taxes. It’s unconstitutional as only the federal government can regulate money, it’s immoral, and I believe is the cause of the current economic collapse. That or sub-prime mortgages.
2) If anyone should be on the Do Not Fly list, it’s Nathan Radlin.
Related to number three, the reason I take the train is this guy, Nathan Radlin. I was flying to DC once and he was next to me. I made some wise crack about the safety lecture while we’re on the tarmac to spark up a conversation and he replied, “You’d be surprised, the talk saved my life.” “Really?” “Yeah, twice.” Once we’re in the air, I ask him if he flies often. “No, this is actually my third time.” Right on cue, the plane shudders and some passenger in the pack screams out “Oh my god, the engine’s on fire!” We turn around and make an emergency landing. Of Nathan’s three flights lifetime, three have ended in near disaster. That guy is more of a threat to homeland security than anyone else. Next time, I’d rather fly next to Osama himself.
3) If we’re going to go fascist, let’s do it right.
Our rights have been compromised, our history rewritten in Orwellian style, and the department of homeland security is turning our country into a cosplay version of 1984 with less sex. Problem is, for all the liberties we’ve sacrificed, we’ve gotten squat in return. We don’t have concrete and steel art deco buildings or storm troopers with glowing eyes and black trench coats and Amtrak still runs woefully behind schedule. (A thirty minute delay on an 8 hour train ride is spit in the ocean, but it’s the principle of the matter). I move that Congress cannot run an efficiency/security deficit; that every liberty they curtail must result in a comparable increase in efficiency or security. Currently, our nation’s fascism deficit runs in the billions of KiloMussolinis. (Fascism, like Ponzi schemes and organized crime, are the contributions of Italians to the world… you’re welcome.)
4) Any mother who withholds vaccinations out of fear of increasing the chances for Autism should be tested for mental illness.
The one study that suggested the link has been countered by dozens showing no correlation. The scientific community as a whole has rejected the notion, the co-writers of the original paper have pulled their names from it, and the data was fabricated for that study anyway (turns out your last-minute fibbing of your 3rd grade science project is part of the scientific method). If you honestly think there is still a link between the two, then odds are it’s you and not the kid who’s retarded.
5) All Jews should wear clearly identifying stars.*
Anti-Semitism is on the rise again in the world. What better way to combat it than by showing everything just how numerous and important to daily life the Jews are! Plus, it lets non-anti-Semites and their significant others (co-non-anti-Semites) especially if they’re converting from being a former Nazi (trans-co-non-anti-Semites-expiallidocious) give the chosen people the support and friendship they need to get through the increasingly cold world. We could even set up camps to let all the Jews get together in large concentrations to really drive home the point! And then we can gas them with Zyklon B.
6) All unattractive men must, if asked, put their shirts back on.
As a corollary, any attractive woman must, if asked, take their shirt off. This is my understanding of how equality works.
*MesmericKiwi is 25% Jewish but 100% jerk. -Ed.