From the Clunkline Future Affairs Correspondence Desk- March 9th, 2025
Christian Bale, 51, the disgraced ex-actor, has apparently sent himself back in time to halt production of Terminator: Salvation; the legendary 2009 flop that he feels is responsible for the destruction of his career.
“By the time you see this, it will be too late to stop me,” said Bale in a pre-recorded holo-message that was posted on CNN’s Mental Uplink yesterday. “Soon, my career will be renewed.”
“I’ll be back,” said the 4 dimensional avatar of Bale later in the message, while donning a pair of black biker shades.
In addition to playing John Connor in Terminator: Salvation, a performance widely compared to a dysentery outbreak, Bale is best known for playing Batman in Batman Begins and its six sequels: The Dark Knight, Batman Finds Bin Laden, Batman and Robin (a remake of the 1996 classic, featuring Shia La Beouf’s first appearance as Robin), Batman vs. the Wolfman, You Got Served…By Batman! (the last project Andrew Lloyd Webber completed before his death in 2014), and most recently, Full Frontal Batman, which also marked the beginning of Bale’s current status as a gay camp icon. However, for much of the past 10 years Bale has been a virtual Hollywood non-entity, finding occasional work in gay pornography and cheap Blaxploitation flicks.
“He was always moaning about how it had all gone wrong. He was always looking for a way to right the mistakes of the past,” said 5-time Best Director winner Uwe Boll and a close friend of Bale. “I offered him a spot in my upcoming film, an adaptation of the classic 80s arcade game Tron, but he refused. He said the last thing he needed was to fight against another malevolent computer.”
The details of Bale’s time machine are not known. The Cosmological Self-Consistency Treaty signed in 2021 of course, strictly prohibits all unlicensed time travel. Indeed, there is already speculation that the United Nations’ Timecop division will deploy Chief Inspector Max Walker to halt any attempt by Bale to tamper with the Space-Time Continuum.
“Time machines are too dangerous for humans to use,” said Doctor “Doc” Emmett Brown, Adjunct Professor of Quantum Physics at Hill Valley University and noted collector of antique DeLoreans. “What if Bale, using his knowledge of the future, placed bets on, let us say, the Lions to win the Super Bowl in 2010,2011, and 2012? I know their dynasty seems obvious in hindsight, but those bets back then would win him a fortune. Who know what sort of dystopian, cyberpunk future that might send us to?”
Doc Brown was later heard to mutter to himself: “I wish I had never built that infernal Time Machine.”
Bale, for his part, seems to have anticipated such criticisms. He ends his message by promising, that, once his primary mission is complete, he will attempt to undo 2009’s other big mistake.
“I will kill President Obam-sorry, I almost spoke You-Know-Who’s name, but anyway, I will assassinate him. I promise. And to all those who would try and stop my plans, look into the eyes of the thousands of orphan beggars and child prostitutes outside your door. Look into their eyes and then tell me my cause is not just.” Clunkline was forced to admit that anything, even the revival of Bale’s acting career and the unraveling of the Space-Time Continuum, would be worth saving all those billions from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s megalomania.
