Trifecta

My otherwise perfect physical appearance is marred by a horrible deformity, so grotesque that I am shunned by members of polite society. Yes, I speak of my third nipple. Shield your eyes lest they boil in your skull! Like the other one in eighteen of you who have suffered their entire life with such a horrendous blight, I am tired of it. So I think it’s time I set the record straight about third nipples and other physical deformities.

The third nipple has always been viewed as a sign of something bizarre in many other cultures. Some jackass has been spreading rumors that the third nipple is a sign of invincibility, in the hopes that he could trick us triple-nipplers into destroying ourselves. I learned this the hard way when I set out to conquer Europe instead of getting an internship last year.

Do not be deceived. In fact, most scientists and 17th century religious leaders agree that the third nipple is a direct result of practicing witchcraft and they are probably right. Like most of you, my mother had a cauldron and some newt eyes in her womb, so I was able to start at an early age. But seriously, folks, there are many worse afflictions than the third nipple. For instance, you could have…

Webbed Feet! Yes, the legends are true, such beings do really exist. And unlike Aquaman they don’t wear red tights to mark them apart. Yes these monstrosities have perfected the art of blending in with us humans. They could be anywhere. Even right… behind… me… AGGGH HELP THEY’VE COME FOR ME! Spread the word, don’t be caught unawares!… oh… sorry about that. False alarm. My roommate just came back from scuba diving, jackass that he is. As I was saying, these monstrosities can only be born from a mating between a badger and a lioness. Why that would produce a human with webbed feet is beyond me, but watch out, their ridiculousness is only rivaled by their deadliness… with their feet.

Perhaps the most misunderstood deformity of all however is the mole. Most of you probably think that moles are called moles because of some similarity to the animal. If only you knew how right you are. You see, the face mole and the ground mole are one and the same. When a ground mole knows it is his time to die he finds a suitable human and attaches himself to their skin. For years the human might carry this mark never suspecting its true purpose, until one day when they least expect it they will become really self-conscious about their mole and try to hide it during sex much to the embarrassment of them and their partner. Villainy, thy name is mole.

Anyway, enough about moles, the point of this article is: stop directing your scorn at we of the three nipples. So we participated in carnal acts with the devil and cast a plague upon your livestock. It was just a bit of fun. The real threat here is the infiltration of our society by the webbed feet. So next time you see someone wearing socks with sandals, call the cops or lock them in a broom closet, or something.

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