Ladies and gentlemen, today’s economic crisis has only one solution: more Vikings! (Not the Minnesotan kind… we need many less of them.)
In my research I have discovered that Vikings were in fact the medieval version of our automatic stabilizers, like a progressive income tax that rapes your daughter. In fact, the Great Depression was largely a result of Herbert Hoover deporting all Vikings back to Greenland. Now we face a similar situation. Under the Bush administration, the Department of Homeland Security sent many Vikings to Guantanamo Bay, where their souls will be trapped until the Valkyries can find a way to get through the red tape. But fear not: the new administration has begun talks with Loknar Redbear to stop the harassment of our Nordic friends.
Now, I will be first to admit Vikings are ugly and smell bad but they also have many benefits. First and foremost, Vikings create jobs. You can always use more soldiers to defend against Viking attack because most die on the first day. More importantly with all the pillaging going on, the construction market will boom because you can’t live in a burned down house.
Vikings also can teach us a lot about safe sex. As Leif Ragnarson says, “Safe sex means having your axe with you”. Or, if you prefer, “Safe sex is not what Vikings have”. Either way, lesson learned.
The Vikings are also well loved for their ability to fairly redistribute wealth.
1. They take everybody’s stuff.
2. They put it in their longships.
3. They sail away.
Now everyone is equally wealthy! Perhaps the most important thing Vikings do is give people optimism. Every time the Vikings leave we’ll all be so happy to be alive.
Remember when you would skin you knees and you Mom would put rubbing alcohol in the wound and you would cry and call her a bitch? It’s exactly the same with Vikings. All the burning and pain just means they are working. Plus, you’ll thank Odin for the Vikings when Ragnarok comes.
