War Declared with North America

A different perspective on events eight years old.

Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century.

Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories.

Footage released by Project for a New American Century via the government-sponsored American news network Fox News allegedly showed the leader, G.W. Bush, exhorting his followers to “crusade… against the evildoers using any means necessary… including torture.” The P.f.N.A.C. number two, one Richard Cheney, has not been seen for some time as it is thought he is hiding in a mountain somewhere, but he is considered extremely volatile and dangerous, as he has been known to shoot even his own comrades in the face to maintain discipline in the ranks.

Military and civilian leadership of the USMEEFI has long expressed concern about the North American regime due to concerns that it is stockpiling WMDs. It is known that during the North American dictator Harold Truman’s reign, the country used two nuclear weapons to kill more than 220,000 humans in Japan, and sources within the country suggest that the terrorist group may be gearing up to do it again.

“They’re our bombs and you can’t look at them,” said secular leader Karl Rove, the Prime Minister, making a rude gesture towards Iran. However, experts agree that in North America the distinction between secular and religious leadership is often fairly minimal, and it is thought that Rove may be receiving much of his support from organizations sympathetic to New American Century’s cause.

It is speculated that the Project for a New American Century has ties with extremist elements within the Republican Party, a major political party whose extreme views are more popular among the Gudulbees of the South than among the Yanki of the North.

The Project for a New American Century terrorist group is best known for their 2003 terrorist attacks on Baghdad which raped the skyline of its famous symbols of Middle Eastern wealth and freedom: the USMEEFI Dollar Sign Buildings, a pair of towers famous internationally for being the largest buildings shaped like dollar signs ever built. The attack is estimated to have killed 7,299 civilians and 9,200 military personnel. By 2008, conservative estimates suggested that 150,000 more USMEEFI citizens had been killed in further attacks launched by these same Christian fundamentalists.

However, critics of USMEEFI’s militaristic foreign policy have argued that G.W. Bush was trained at the USMEEFI military program School for the Middle Eastern Places, and that his rise to power as the head of a terrorist faction is really the responsibility of USMEEFI. “We counted our eggs before they hatched, but now our hens have come home to roost,” said Middle Eastern Studies professor Ben Bin Freedom, clearly enjoying his sense of self-righteousness. His barnyard metaphors, however, failed to dissuade the Department of Holyland Security from including his name on the latest edition of the Terrorist Watch List. (To be fair, Bin Freedom was wearing a terrorist watch on his left wrist at the time.)

“You know what, the official explanation for why we went to war is bunk,” said liberal pundit Mahmoud Khalid. “It’s all about the oil. Why else would we be focusing the brunt of our first attack on Alaska?”

Conspiracy theorists have been quick to suggest that the President Bin Laden was somehow involved in something or other, but that’s crazy talk.

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