In a surprise upset, wrestling announcer Maximilian “Maxx” Heavyweights won the Heavyweight title in the Thunder Mountain Wrestling Xtreem Championship, announced “Maxx” Heavyweights on Tuesday.
Things started to go badly for the two contestants about halfway through the final match of the championship. The Human Machine, the challenger, had just scored a spectacular Half Nelson on the incumbent, El Loco Caboosé. When The Human Machine followed this up with a Full Mandela, the crowd began chanting for the Machine to finish off his rival.
“El Caboosé is not doné!” the venerable Mexican champion cried, as he was shoved through a table, two deck chairs, a folding chair, and a dinette set.
“Looks like the Machine is turning the heat up on the Caboosé,” announcer “Maxx” Heavyweights called dully over the loudspeakers. “Surely no one could have seen this coming. You know,” Heavyweights continued, “sometimes I wish they’d spice these matches up a bit.” Fans of the champion protested that El Caboosé had used his trademarked Spicy Salsa Dunk (Medium Picante), but the announcer was unassuaged. “I changed my legal name to Heavyweights for these tournaments, but when do I get the glory? This time, I’m going to award myself the Thunder Mountain title. Sorry guys!”
At this unexpected betrayal, the two competitors stopped their blows and teamed up to take on their mutual opponent, but it was too late. “That is totally not a legal move on the part of Heavyweights,” said referee Smith Betts furiously.
“Totally a legal move. Legal… to the Maxx!” said Heavyweights over the loudspeaker, and the crowd roared its approval.
Some, however, still felt that Heavyweights had spoken too soon. “Right after the announcer called the outcome of the fight, this girl started making out with me,” said fan Sam Browsister. “Pretty soon we were back at her house, doing the moderately unpleasant. Having sex, if you know what I mean. So, I think that I’m the real winner of the championship.” Browsister continued making this joke until tests came back showing that he had gotten sexually transmitted dong-cancer, the first case in medical history, as well as what doctors would only call “a bad case of the skanks.”
This is not the first time that a dark horse has gone on to win the Thunder Mountain Wrestling Xtreem Championship. In 1986, janitor Paul “The Mop” Wetlow claimed the title for himself while cleaning fake blood off the ring, long after the crowd had left, and in 1992 referee Samuel Breuler’s girlfriend was found to have won it, as well as the coveted “Best Girlfriend in the Universe” title. In 2003, the championship was won by an actual dark horse, the first horse of color to be admitted into the championships.
