Stereotypes are insulting and divisive. Of course, I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with, is that they insult the wrong people. When’s the last time you heard an epithet for Iowans? Well, if you finish reading this article, it will be five minutes from now.
Facts about Iowa
*As everybody knows, Iowans are grown in fields, sprayed with pesticides, and machine-shucked. If you eat an Iowan, it will be preserved in your poop.
*Gay Marriage is legal in Iowa, making the state one step closer to consummating its forbidden love for Minnesota.
*The Iowa Caucus is a well-known, asinine political contest contrived to make Streptococcus give up its title as the worst thing that ends in “coccus”.
*Iowa is horrible.
Appropriate Slurs for Iowans: Cornballers, Biofools, Kerry Voters
Facts about Belarus
*Even within the State Department, few are aware of Belarus’s existence. When asked to label a map of Eastern Europe, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton guessed first “Poland” and then “Weird Poland”.
*Belarus is a former Soviet bloc country torn between its desire to hate Russia and its utter insolvency without Russia.
*Belarus is commonly mistaken for the Ukraine, in that it has no distinguishing characteristics and you shouldn’t care about it.
*Alexander Lukashenko has been Belarus’s President since 1994. He’s pretty much a huge dickhead. This is in no way important because Belarus is irrelevant.
*Belarus is horrible.
Appropriate Slurs for Belarusians: Jerks, Russians
Upstate New York
Facts about Upstate New York
*Upstate New York is like a parasitic twin attached to New York City, which itself is like a child with Down’s syndrome.
*I once drove the wrong way down a four-lane one-way street in Downtown Syracuse at 7 P.M. I didn’t notice it until I had traveled several blocks, because there was no other traffic to show me I was going to wrong way. That’s because all the people who would have been in Downtown Syracuse instead left for places that were less miserable, like Philadelphia, Detroit, and Hell.
*Upstate New York sometimes dresses in drag and pretends it is Pennsylvania.
*Popular things to do in Upstate New York include leaving, being unhappy, running away, being forgotten, evacuating, crying, and fleeing.
*Vermont is said to be threatening a border war with Upstate New York over a maple tree that is 2/5ths inside NY’s borders. Upstate New York is widely expected to lose the war.
*According to my imagination, Upstate New York’s motto is “Upstate New York: Where the Fun Happens.” You have to have a very powerful imagination indeed to picture someone having fun in Upstate New York.
*Upstate New York is horrible.
Appropriate slurs for Upstate New Yorkers: Canadians, New Yorkers
Facts about Guatemala
*I don’t know anything about Guatemala, so here are some facts about Mexico.
*Mexico has a huge international drug trade and a huge international people trade. Sometimes the people eat the drugs when they cross the border. Oddly, this does not make them a “drug-people” trade. They are instead called “mules”, because, like the offspring between a horse and a donkey, they are sterile.
*Mexico’s president is Mexico City.
*Guatemala is horrible.
Appropriate slurs for Guatemalans: Hispaniolics, Mayans, Wannabe-Costa-Ricans
Say this out loud.
What are you before you go to the bathroom? (American.)
What are you when you’re going to the bathroom? (European.)
What are you when you look at the dick of the guy next to you? (Uruguayan.)
What are you when he notices and smiles at you? (Paraguayan.)
What are you when you pick a fight with him for no reason? (Irish.)