Chronic MMO: Topic Overview
Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.
Causes
Though the exact causes are unknown, chronic MMO is known to be a communicable disease. Some studies suggest that it could be the result of saliva transfer on shared bottles of Mountain Dew or Jolt Cola, but those studies are considered invalidated by many because some people develop this particular condition even if they have no friends with whom they might share drinks. It is also theorized that a steady intake of caffeine, exposure to radiation from a cathode ray display, and a nocturnal sleep schedule combine to trigger this condition.
Symptoms
Chronic MMO usually causes a dramatic whitening of the skin. On the Elmer’s Paste Index, Chronic MMO patients often register skin tones from Glue-All (9.6) to Tri-Tix (9.95). In some patients a weight increase also accompanies a Chronic MMO infection, but others maintain a skeletal figure. A decrease in muscle mass almost always accompanies a Chronic MMO infection. Personal hygiene usually declines as well, frequently resulting in acne that rates on the Pizzaface Scale from Pepperoni (5.32) all the way to Supreme (7.8) or a near-fatal Meat Lover’s (9.33).
In terms of psychological effects, patients with Chronic MMO often experience a sharp decrease in interpersonal skills, and usually experience only ephemeral or utilitarian relationships with other human beings. For example, a Chronic MMO patient by necessity must occasionally confront a convenience store clerk to purchase more Mountain Dew or Jolt Energy Drink, which is a purely utilitarian relationship. They also sometimes must speak to their parents, who inevitably fund their existence, usually to confirm that the patient is still alive, or to request some sort of microwaved frozen food. Other than these connections, Chronic MMO patients generally only maintain social connections to other Chronic MMO patients through the internet, and often these connections are ones where the patient pretends to be someone completely different, usually some sort of fantasy character. On internet forums, Chronic MMO patients often voice very strong opinions about things like copyright law, the quality of the latest video games, and the ins and outs of various fantasy metal bands. Because it is so important to a Chronic MMO patient to express these strong opinions, they make very few true friendships in their internet realm.
In the worst cases of Chronic MMO, patients enter a state of being effectively dead to the rest of the world. Sometimes they are not seen by another human being for long enough that they are pronounced legally dead, which presents huge problems for them if they re-emerge into society. Chronic MMO is a common cause of accidental life insurance fraud.
How is Chronic MMO diagnosed?
Common tests for Chronic MMO include blood testing for nearly-toxic levels of Yellow 5 color additive, tests of the eyes for extreme light sensitivity, and physical tests such as the ability to lift a six-pound weight with one arm. Psychological interviews can also be used to confirm a case of Chronic MMO, usually to detect strong misanthropy or a lack of romantic involvement for an extended period of time. Sometimes the latter turns up a false positive, though, as it is also a common indicator of another disease called “ugly”.
What increases your risk?
The most at-risk populations for Chronic MMO are white and east Asian males between the ages of 12 and 26. Females of these races and ages are also at risk, but generally only if they’re the sort that always hung out with males as kids. Other risk factors include an interest in fantasy literature or anime, particularly-dorky parents, and underexposure to sunlight. Disproportionate numbers of Chronic MMO patients also are addicted to pornography, and likewise disproportionate numbers of them have never experienced a romantic relationship. It is thought that an unusual sleep schedule and overconsumption of caffeinated drinks increases the risk of developing Chronic MMO, but it is yet to be determined if that is a cause or a symptom.
How is it treated?
Chronic MMO is a difficult condition to treat. Usually the patient will resist treatment because the nihilism that Chronic MMO inspires makes them psychologically incapable of perceiving value in exercise, socialization, sunlight, or personal improvement. Some Chronic MMO patients manage to “grow out of” the illness, which often involves getting a more productive hobby or simply exercizing the willpower to stay away from their computers. If a Chronic MMO patient is forced into a normal sleep schedule, sometimes their symptoms will decrease. Some patients, if presented with an opportunity to become involved with a particularly attractive member of their desired gender, will experience a remission of Chronic MMO, but usually the condition returns after the MMO patient makes a mistake that drives the potential lover away.
