Let’s face it; people are getting lazier all the time. Everyone knows it, especially your grandpa who used to walk to school in the snow every day and blah blah blah derpy derpy doo and so forth. And in no aspect of our lives is this more apparent than in the way we get our food. Observe:
Time: The Stone Age
What you did if you were hungry: Spend three days tracking down anything that isn’t extinct yet, then bludgeon it to death with a large rock before it can kill you. Drag it back to your cave using only your bare hands and sheer determination, butcher the thing, cook it, and finally you can eat. If you haven’t died at some point along the way first.
Laziness Index: None
Time: The Bronze Age
What you did if you were hungry: Go out into a field where you keep livestock and kill something that won’t put up much of a fight. If what you just slaughtered is one of your own children, go back to step one and try again. Bring it back to your house using something that has wheels on it (because you’re a WUSS and can’t drag things along the GROUND like a REAL man), and the rest is the same as above.
Variables Eliminated: Hunting, Battling woolly mammoths
Laziness Index: Slight
Time: The Middle Ages
What you did if you were hungry: Go to a marketplace and buy a large slab of something that looks tasty, where someone else has already taken care of the parts where you slit an animal’s throat and then proceed to get blood and guts all over yourself as you try to separate the meat from the rest of it, so you don’t have to do any of that stuff. All you have to do is bring it home and cook what’s left.
Variables Eliminated: Killing animals that are bigger than you are, transporting smelly carcasses, getting gooky stuff on your hands
Laziness Index: Moderate
Time: Early 20th Century
What you did if you were hungry: Go to a restaurant! Don’t feel like spending time in the kitchen? Now you don’t have to. In addition to skipping over all the parts of the process that involve transforming a living, breathing creature into an eight ounce steak, you can also sit there making farting noises with your armpit while someone else makes your meal for you. They’ll even bring it to your table and serve it with a little piece of green stuff that you’re never sure if you’re supposed to eat or not.
Variables Eliminated: Cooking/Preparation, Shopping
Laziness Index: High
Time: Mid 20th Century
What you did if blah blah blah: Instead of actually going out, call somewhere and have them bring the food to you, then go pass out in front of the TV while you wait for them to arrive. An hour and 45 minutes later, they’ll show up at your house with something other than what you ordered but you’ll eat it anyway because you’re too lazy to complain.
Variables Eliminated: Movement, Leaving the house
Laziness Index: Friggin’ Huge
Time: Mid Nineties
What you yada yada yada: Take a break from vandalizing wikipedia/changing your facebook status/furiously jacking off and go to a website where you can order food online without having to talk to anyone; return to whatever it is you were doing; make sure to wash your hands before digging in to whatever smelly festering pile of grease you call “dinner.”
Variables Eliminated: Human Contact
Laziness Index: Astronomical
Time: Present Day
Argle Bargle: You are fat, smelly, and stupid. The last time you ordered something on-line, you saved your order as a “favorite.” Now, the next time you go to the same site, you don’t even have to go through the trouble of searching through a menu, you can just click on your saved order and be done with it. If the cavemen knew how much easier you have it than they did, they’d probably kill and eat you just out of spite.
Variables Eliminated: Effort
Laziness Index: Abandon All Hope For Humanity