We meet our heroes, Lord Sir Joseph St. John MacJasper KGC, Captain RN of the HMS Unbelieveblydifficulttosinknoreally ( we don’t see the name till the boat pulls out later, it is written in a wide arc above the aft windows), and Midshipman Louis C. B. Smith Jonesington as they enter the aforementioned ship via a gang plank flanked by Marines. Captain MacJasper is in full dress, decorated by every conceivable piece of gilded cloth and medals, so much so that his walking sounds like a cowboy wearing tap shoes. He also wears a bonnet and kilt. He is slightly tall and average looking otherwise. Louis comes aboard with an entourage and is wearing a full white French navy uniform with tricolour fleur-de-lis on his breast, a sky blue neckerchief, and a Legion of Merit badge, but no one seems to notice. Other officers file in after them. The master of the boat Gwyther Luned approaches.
Master: Captain. Welcome aboard. You will find your quarters prepared.
Louis: Comment allez-vous?
Master: Ah I am fine. Things have been better. I just don’t know how this war with the frogs will end.
Captain: Ah, of course we will win. We shall sail up the Seine itself if necessary!
Louis: Je conviens. Il n’y a aucune manière que nous pouvons desserrer. Le brittania de règle !
Captain: That’s the spirit!
Master: Sir! This is our pilot. Pedro Dela Oporto, from the Portugese naval constabulary.
The pilot notices Midshipman Louis
Pilot: Meu deus! Seus Louis do rei! O inimigo! O que são você que faz! Comece-o!
–No one knows Portuguese—
Louis: Bonjour, il fait beau de vous rencontrer.
Pilot looks at the three and realizes no one understands him.
The captain looks at the crew.
Captain: What’s up with these men?
Master: Ah, they are in fact from His Majesty’s Canadian Corps of sailors. All of these men are from Ontario.
Master: (to captain) Anyway…the ship is ready to sail sir!
Captain: Very good Mr. Luned! Tack the cargo and jib the rudder! Two points to starboard and bend the yardarms! Marines! Man the head and burn the bridge! We sail for the fleet at Spithead!
All: Aye Aye!
The captain goes to the quarterdeck and finds the wheel. Above it is an instrument array and rearview mirror from a car and there is a manual transmission stick. The other officers watch from behind and he wrestles with the stick…the gears grind briefly, then the boat pulls quickly out from its mooring like a car from a parking spot backward, stops, gears grind some more, then he steps on a wooden accelerator pedal. The sails fill with wind instantaneously and the whole mess takes off at full speed.
End of Act One
Interior, captains quarters. The captain is in a wooden hot tub wearing a full length bathing suit made of spandex but which looks exactly like a full dress uniform (like a tuxedo t-shirt).
Louis enters, followed by his aides.
Louis: Nous avons rencontré quelques mers agitées mais nous sommes maintenant chez Spithead. Est-ce que je dois donner l’ordre à l’ancre inférieure? En outre, l’amirauté vous souhaite à une réunion sur le navire amiral.
Captain: Very good. All officers will come with me.
We see the captain still playing with a toy sailboat in the bubbles for a beat or two then cut to a transfer boat.
Pilot: (In Portuguese, pointing at Louis) I can’t believe you captain! He is the person to capture! Oh…you don’t understand me do you….
Captain: (Thinking it was a joke) hahaha! You sure are right about that Pedro!
The boat reaches the flagship. The four climb out to meet the admirals, surrounded by Marines.
Pedro thinks someone here must know what is going on.
Pilot: (In Portuguese, pointing and jumping frantically): Look! Look! Its him, get him, it will end the war and you could make any demand you wanted!
The whole company begins to laugh…thinking it was a joke. No one understands Portuguese.
Marine Captain: (still chuckling) Ripping good stuff!
Captain: Rear Admiral Roque, Vice Admiral Papyr, and Fleet Admiral Scyzors Sirs! I present my ships officers.
Rear Admiral Roque, Vice Admiral Papyr, and Fleet Admiral Scyzors salute.
Fleet Admiral: Please, join us in the dining room.
They walk into the cabin.
Cut to a scene where they are laughing again, Pedro lowers his head to the table in defeat again. Louis is surrounded by his aides who perform every act of dinner for him.
Fleet Admiral: So, now to business. Captain, you will be responsible for leading a strategic attack on the Franco-Spanish fleet which has been spotted off Brest peninsula.
Rear Admiral: This is a tough assignment, and one you must coordinate with us. We will all be converging at the same time in that area to avoid alarm.
Fleet Admiral: We call it the Squeeze Tactic.
Vice Admiral: It is important that you don’t beat any of us to Brest. Last time we tried this, Roque beat Scyzors off the tip of Brest, the fleet was alarmed and escaped.
Rear Admiral: Haha it was because my crews are better. Truth is I could beat you off anywhere!
Vice Admiral: This operation is of utmost importance. We must squeeze Brest!
Captain: To victory!
All: Huzzah! (We distinctly hear a ‘Le’ before Louis cheers)
Cut back to the Captain’s ship.
Captain: Set sail for Brest, Master.
They Sail Away
End of Act Two
Exterior, quarterdeck of the “Umby” the officers are in field uniforms. Pedro is working on the charts. Louis has a telescope. The master has the wheel, and the captain is looking on.
Louis notices something in the distance
Louis: (In French) We have found a sail on the horizon. Three points off port bow.
They all look in different directions. No one understands naval directions.
Louis: (In French) Over there!
They all look. They now get their scopes and look.
Master: There are two more. One on each side of that….hey! Its British! I see the colors! But the other two I can’t see but they are overtaking them!
Captain: We must make for them and stop them before they inform their fleet of our whereabouts.
Pilot: ( In Portuguese) The weather is against us. We can’t go over there. In fact, there is no wind at all if you notice.
Captain: (fighting back a smile) This is no time for jokes.
Louis: (In French) They are headed this way. But those ships are French!!
Master: He is right. I can see their Imperial Eagle emblems!
Captain: God. Our comrades have almost no chance now. Beat to quarters!
As men run about, a pair of crew flog a pair of huge coins.
The ships get close quickly, but as the two ships overtake the larger one, they open fire.
Captain: I don’t understand. Why are they coming this way still? Its not like the French to give up a prize like that!
Master: (As though he is looking at death) Those aren’t Imperial Eagles…..
Louis: (In French) Wait…..no…..no freakin’ way…..
We hear loud civil war music start, as though the ships are broadcasting it with loud speakers after the broadsides destroy the British ship
Shot of the rear of the moving ships raising their colors, the old naval jack which reads
“DON’T TREAD ON ME”
Shot of all officers looking toward the camera, frozen in fear.
Captain: Christ! They’re Americans!
Pedro turns and runs with his hands in the air wildly out of shot. The other officers scramble to action stations. The Captains view affords a look at the ship. The American crews are cavorting wildly on deck, cheering and swinging on ropes, and partying like a drunken pirate crew.
Instantly the two ships are upon them. Cut to birds eye view. The civil war music is very loud now, and the Umby’s T is crossed by both ships as they let loose a massive broadside. The Umby is incredibly damaged. From the ocean level view the American ships are still partying and bobbing up and down and slowly swaying left to right. Drunk people are partying on the crows’ nests as well. We see one ship named “Stargroup”(Constellation) and the other “Documentofwrittenrights”(Constitution) as they move into the sunset. The music fades away.
Back on the Umby, Pedro sticks his head up from the sail he was hiding under, next to the Captain.
Captain: Fuck…that sucked.
The Master is shouting at the crew
Master: Clean this mess up you sordid lot!
Wide shot reveals the ship is cracking in half, but the crew is fast and are repairing the damage with duct tape. One crew member dives under with a roll to repair the bottom.
Master: (from the forecastle) Repairs completed Captain!
Captain: Weigh anchor and set sail!
Shot of the crew heaving the anchor onto a set of scales and a line leading up to a booth with merchants behind it, signs say “80% off!”
They sail off
End of Act Three
Exterior, Bow of the Umby. The officers are looking at charts.
Louis: (In French) It’s Brest all right.
Master: How can you tell?
He lowers the map to see a rock formation that looks like giant breasts and points.
Louis: (In French) The Peninsula!
Captain: And there is the fleet! But where are the Admirals?
Master: Somehow we beat them to the squeeze.
Captain: We have to go in! They will escape! I’m sure we can count on the Admirals for backup.
Louis: (In French) But it’s a suicide mission. The men wont have it!
Captain: I shall speak to the company.
The men assemble.
Captain: Gentlemen! The French are over there! We must attack. You realize that this may be our last action together, but I want you to know that we have served England and King George with excellence in the past and we will not stop now!
Person in the back: Why?
Person in the back: I mean, why should we die for England? None of us are English!
Pan shot shows Master Luned eating leafy leeks (Wales), the captain’s kilt (Scotland), Pedro, Louis (obvious), and the crew who have set up a mini ice hockey rink and a maple tree orchard behind the assembled men, with a game going on and people collecting maple syrup.
Captain: So no one here is English?
Double beat. We hear crickets.
Other guy in back: (meekly) I’m from New England…
Captain: Ok. Screw this.
The crew and the officers stand about, trying to think of what to do next.
Master: So… what do we do next?
Louis: (In French) How about a chase?
The master points out to sea away from the French
Master: There they are!
Patriotic British music starts in the background.
The Americans have appeared out of nowhere and are taunting the Umby to give chase.
Captain: You know what to do, men!
Person in the back: Now this we can agree on!
The crew cheers Huzzah, we again hear Louis’s ‘Le’ Crane shot shows the Umby going after the Americans at full speed. Fade to black. British music is still playing. Credits.