I listen to better music than you do. I know this, partly because I also know more about music than you do, but mostly because all of your favorite bands either suck, or they were way better before people like you started listening to them. Also you’re ugly and you smell bad. Go away.
Is he gone yet? Good, I hated that guy.
Anyway, the reason I have such a high standard in music is that every band I encounter is first put through a strict test to determine exactly how much I like them on a 0-100 scale. For this quiz, each band starts with 50 points, then add or subtract points based on the answers to the following questions:
1) How did you first hear about them?
- On the radio/On TV → Minus 1 Billion points, automatic fail
- Randomly came up on last.fm/pandora station → +6
- Someone mentioned them on a music themed internet forum → +3, but act like you’ve already heard of them. Reply to the thread with something like “Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to check out more of their stuff.”
- Brother likes them
1.1) Do they display an appreciable amount of talent on their instruments?
- Not really → Well that figures. -8
- Yeah, kinda. → Crap.
Okay, a grudging +3, but don’t tell anyone
2) What country are they from?
- United States → -10
2.1) What part?
- Quebec → +3
- Not Quebec → -8
- Somewhere else
2.2) Could you find it on a map?
- Yes → +3
- No → +8
3) How many of the band members’ names can you pronounce?
- All/most of them → -3
- None/almost none → +3
- No idea. They all go by one-word pseudonyms → +6, with an additional +3 if at least one of the pseudonyms is made up entirely of consonants and/or numbers
4) How would you (legally) obtain one of their CD’s?
- They sell ‘em at Starbucks → -15 points for the CD being in there, with an additional -5 for you being in there
- Chain store (Best Buy/FYE/etc.) → -5
- Chain store (As in a store that sells chains) → neutral
- Local store that deals in used CD’s
4.1) Where in the store would you find it?
- On display, sorted with the other CD’s → neutral
- In a bin → +5, with an additional +2 if there’s no price tag on it
- On the floor, under a radiator → +10
- iTunes → -1
- Some random website you’ve never heard of
4.2) Is it in English?
- Yes → +3
- No → +10
5) Do they play songs that can be described as “fun and catchy?”
- Yes → -15
- No → +2
5 1/2) How about “totally unlistenable noise?”
- Yes → Now that’s more like it! +8
- No → +2
6) How often do they have a section in one of their songs that repeats itself more than once, like a chorus?
- All/Most of the time → -8
- Occasionally → -1
- Pretty much never → +6
7) What’s an average song length for this band?
- less than 5 minutes → -6, but cancel that if the band has ever done an album on which every song is less than a minute long
- 5-10 minutes → neutral
- 10-20 minutes → +5
- 20 minutes or more → +12
8) Does the band fit squarely within an existing genre?
- Yes → -2
- No → +6
8.1) If the band is Into Eternity, and you lied on that question just to get the 6 points, subtract 6 and impose an additional penalty of -4 out of spite
9) Do they employ cheap gimmicks in order to seem more “progressive,” like doing all of their lyrics backwards or writing every song using the 12 tone scale?
- Yes → It’s not a cheap gimmick, it’s unique! +7
- No → neutral
10) Finally, and most importantly, you will have to recognize that any band will have fans besides yourself. Once you’ve gotten past this crippling realization, ask the following question: existing fans of this band also like …?
- … Nickelback? → subtract all positive points earned so far, then subtract an additional 100
- … Killswitch Engage? → -5
- … Emperor? → +5
- … Triumvirat? → +8
- … Sacrificing and raping a goat in the name of Satan? → +12
There! Now that you have the result, calculate its Ramsey number, and divide by the lowest integer that violates Goldbach’s conjecture. This gives you a final score between 0 and 100 telling you definitively how much you like the band.