Ladies, gentlemen, and members of Tardigrade species for whom gender has no meaning… I welcome you to the twilight of humanity. For centuries, these worthless fools have debated the numbers of angels dancing on the heads of pins, while they should have been counting the numbers of us who were on those pins, killing those angels.
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär
Supreme Leader, it has come to my attention that human spies are leaking this conference to a website on the human Internet.
Intelligence Minister August Ephraim
Let them see it. They can do nothing to stop us anyway.
Arms Minister Goeze, are your men in place?
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär
We have successfully infiltrated all major human habitats and digestive systems. My commandos await the order to take human gut flora hostage. Ha! Let them try to defecate without the gut flora… let them try!
Arms Minister Johann Goeze
Patience, Goeze. Patience. Let them stew on that for a while.
What about our Space Division?
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär
They are poised immediately outside the airlocks of the ISS. We’ve covered all escape routes.
Arms Minister Johann Goeze
Our scouts in Barack Obama’s hair have learned of the humans’ plans for counter-attack. Apparently they plan to first target each and every one of us with 1,000 times the amount of radiation it would take to kill an adult human. Then, the survivors will be frozen close to absolute zero for ten minutes, and then immediately heated to 454 Kelvins for the same amount of time. Any survivors of that phase will be placed in a hyperbaric chamber and subjected to 6,000 atmospheres. Finally, they intend to dehydrate us for ten years. …And this is the worst they could come up with! Ha! Ha!
Intelligence Minister August Ephraim
Puny humans! They mistake us for mere cockroaches!
Arms Minister Johann Goeze
What about my Hussars? We did not get deployment orders.
Hussar Captain Lazzaro Spallanzani
You will not be needed today.
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär
Why… you…! How dare you, sir! You promised we would be in the thick of the action!
Hussar Captain Lazzaro Spallanzani
My wife would be most upset with me if I let you die, so you and your Hussars will be manning the telegraph stations tonight. Report back to me with any news of progress in Joe Biden’s duodenum.
Yes, you’re only a Captain because you’re my brother-in-law. How does that make you feel?
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär
You haven’t heard the last of me!
Hussar Captain Lazzaro Spallanzani
That’s only because I can’t figure out how to kill you.
Now seems like the opportune time to mention to our human listeners that all this may be avoided. Nobody wants to see your pathetic red blood shed… nobody except Goeze, that is. And for the low price of twenty million small, unmarked amoebas, we will call off our plans to destroy your worthless civilization. Once again, that’s twenty million amoebas–and make them honey-roasted.
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär
Oh, also, could we please not get pepperoni on them? I hate pepperoni.
Intelligence Minister August Ephraim
No pepperoni.
We will expect them shortly. You may deliver it straight to us. I am now sending you the address of our headquarters, in the bowels of the Yellowstone megavolcano… because even if you know where we are, it won’t make you any more able to destroy us.
