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Editor’s Note: Today’s article was guest-written by Tanzmetall(719), an alternate instance of Tanzmetall who somehow managed to get elected to the United States Senate in 2008, defeating Arlen Specter. This is especially remarkable since, in 2008, Tanzmetall was much younger than the age limit, and Specter was not up for reelection.
July 19, 2009
Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo!
July 20, 2009
So I got to Capitol Hill and the first guy I met is Al Franken, who I know is another funnyman. Immediately I run my flagship joke past him: “Capitol Hill? More like Crapitol Hill!” He thought it was hilarious, and I overheard him telling it to Patrick Leahy (D-VT) later that same day. Before I got here, he was taking everything so seriously, but now he’s back to his old, funny self. I tell ya, I bring out the best in this guy.
July 21, 2009
Al and I really enjoyed our time together on the Judiciary Committee. I’m so glad to have some committee assignments with my friends. The Aging committee really sucks, because then I have to talk to freakin’ Bob Casey (D-PA) who’s about as funny as a boulder. Although, the irony of a bunch of old guys grumbling about aging is not lost on me and my keen wit. But I digress.
In Judiciary (the FUN committee), I don’t remember what was on the agenda for today, but Al and I spent the whole time smacking our hands on the table and hollering “POOP! POOOOOP!” back and forth. Everyone else just stared at us because they’re a bunch of tightasses. They really need to loosen up and enjoy a good poop joke.
July 22, 2009
A breakthrough!
We just discovered that we can actually introduce laws! For some reason, we weren’t told about this when we were sworn in. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to hide this from us. But I looked it up on Wikipedia, and sure enough, it’s totally legal! So we drafted the Poop Is Funny Resolution of 2009 and introduced it on the floor. Al went the extra mile by taking a dump on his copy during debate. I laughed for, like, an hour.
July 23, 2009
Al and I spent all of today grilling Sonia Sotomayor on her opinions… on the case of “Hugh Jass v. Poopenstein”! HA HA HA! Al did this brilliant thing where he made up the whole court case on the spot, and Sonia totally fell for it, believed it was real, and gave her opinion on the case! I don’t remember all the details, but it was something about a guy who shat down infant’s mouths… it’s all on C-SPAN.
I asked her if a concealed weapons permit should allow you to carry a gun IN YOUR BUTT, but she pretended not to hear.
July 24, 2009
Well, that was fast! Apparently the Senate doesn’t have to have exactly 100 members. Al and I just found that out because we got “censured” or something, which means we aren’t allowed to introduce laws or sit on committee and aren’t invited to any of the hoppin’ Senate parties anymore. But we’ve still got the keys to the building, and we’re planning a big prank… shhh, don’t tell anyone, diary!
All I’ll tell you in advance, is… it’s going to be big, it’s going to be clever, it’ll change the nation, and it’s not going to be what you expect.
July 25, 2009
Prank Day is a success!
We broke into Harry Reid’s (D-NV) office and took dumps in his desk drawers. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
