A Selection Of Some Of My Craigslist Ads

Missed Connection: Lady Working At Quizno’s

Date: 2008-07-02, 6:29PM CDT

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Reasons That Anyone, Anywhere, At Any Time, Ever Chooses To Use Venetian Blinds

  • The ability to part the slats with two fingers and fleetingly peer through the opening.


Underground Man said, “Don’t put entrails in the cup.” Apparently he prefers his offal jokes to be tasteful.

So you can blame him that there are no delicious delicious entrails floating in milk broth.

Hargoogle Barg Burg

Shit I Found on my Phone

I think of my phone like I think of my toilet. Once every three years, I peer into its darkest, most mold-encrusted corners and briefly contemplate cleaning it. I scrape off two layers of caked shit-dust and gag. Then I give up.

Also, I rub my face against it, but that is a story for another day.

This is the retirement home across the street getting their weekly shipment of old people. The expired ones are then shipped out in big wooden boxes. DeadEx does some good business in this market sector.

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My Graduate Thesis (Rough Draft)

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Non-Metalheads Gear Up For “Brutal Legend” Release

Double Fine Productions’ new metal-themed video game “Brutal Legend” is scheduled for release in less than two weeks. Anticipation for the game has been building up for months, and some fans couldn’t be more excited.

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And Now A Visit To FooTay's Inner Monologue

Today’s Episode: In Line At The Checkout Counter.

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Ironic Chef

“All right, we just had a wonderful meal courtesy of our challenger. Now it’s time to see if our own Iron Chef College can top him. Chef Kiwi, are you prepared to present your meal?”

“Yes, for the first course I’ve prepared oriental flavored Ramen with a side of steamed broccoli.”

“Oriental flavored?”

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Headache? Muscular pain? Newly missing limb? Botched back-alley kidney removal? Getting FUCKED in the exit wound from a ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADE?!

Whatever your pain, you’ll NEVER NEED TO FEEL AGAIN. Except like JESUS.

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How To Tell The Future Using A Microwave

You will need:
A can of tomato soup
A bowl
A clean microwave (dirty microwaves can contaminate the results)

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