A Selection Of Some Of My Craigslist Ads

Missed Connection: Lady Working At Quizno’s

Date: 2008-07-02, 6:29PM CDT

Remember me? You were working at the Quizno’s down on Elm Street, and I was the guy right outside the door asking people for change so I could buy more cheap hooch. I’m not actually homeless, I just needed a new source of booze money after my parents canceled my credit card. Anyway, I feel like there was really something special between us when you came outside and yelled at me to go away. I think your name was “Kathy,” or maybe “Kristen,” but I’m not sure. I don’t really remember much of what happened after you hit me with the shovel. Call me?

  • Location: Madison
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 381654729

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Test Subject Needed For Time Machine Prototype

Date: 2008-12-02, 9:31AM EDT

Like the title says, I just finished building my first time machine, but I’m not sure if it’ll work yet. I’d test it out myself but I’m afraid of getting all mutilated like in that one movie where something like that happened. Or maybe it was a drug-induced hallucination and not a movie. Either way, I want someone else to try it out first to see if it’s safe. Or if you don’t want to drive all the way out here, I could just tell you how I made mine (it basically involves writing “Time Machine” on the side of an old refrigerator box, but to be safe you should use the exact same kind of box as I did), then you could build a copy and test on that. I don’t care about making money off this thing so I don’t mind people copying my design or anything, I just need to take a trip back to last month so I can pay my electric bill so I won’t have to go to the library to use the internet anymore. Porn isn’t as fun when there’s old people yelling at you all the time.

  • Location: Pittsburgh
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 410498462

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Would The Person I’m Stalking Please Be More Interesting

Date: 2009-04-15, 3:18AM EST

Hi. I don’t actually know your name, but you live in apartment 15 on 441 Third Avenue. I’ve been spying on you from across the street through my binoculars for a while, and I gotta be honest, it’s getting a little boring. I’m getting kinda tired of watching you check your e-mail or flip through the channels, and it’s especially disappointing after I spend all day waiting for you to come home from work. I’m not saying you have to start riding a unicycle around or anything like that, but would you mind mixing it up a little once in a while? It would really be great for me to start seeing some variety, especially since I don’t have any other hobbies– or anything else going on in my life, for that matter– besides this.

  • Location: Pittsburgh
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 683515870

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Date: 2009-08-03, 12:08PM CDT

Anybody wanna buy a broken car?

I’m trying to sell my old 1987 Dodge Shadow ’cause it doesn’t work anymore, and I still don’t have a job so I need the cash. So if anyone wants to give me a few grand they can have it. I think it still has most of the parts except the floor, and also one of the wheels has a boot on it. I tried to remove the boot using a large hammer (for the record, that doesn’t work), so the area around the back left wheel is pretty busted up now. Anyways, I tried doing that “cash for clunkers” thing that’ll buy your crappy old cars, but they wouldn’t take it ’cause the back seat is covered in puke, so I figured I’d try to get rid of it here. Anyone interested?

  • Location: Madison
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 748031704

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