Ironic Chef

“All right, we just had a wonderful meal courtesy of our challenger. Now it’s time to see if our own Iron Chef College can top him. Chef Kiwi, are you prepared to present your meal?”

“Yes, for the first course I’ve prepared oriental flavored Ramen with a side of steamed broccoli.”

“Oriental flavored?”

“Yes, it tastes just like a real oriental. This part of the meal presented a real challenge because both the noodles and the broccoli needed to make use of the hot pot at the same time, but I would like to think that let the flavors of one infuse with the other. It also explains why the noodles are green.”

“Was the overcooking a deliberate choice?”

“It’s kind of hard to get a vegetable steamer out of a hot pot that’s just big enough to hold it without burning yourself and I lost my oven mitt weeks ago. So, yeah, hope you like glutinous sodium filled paste.”

“Ok, tell us about this next course.”

“For this, I wanted to blend flavors of the world together so we have crispy sesame chicken covered in butter chicken sauce served on Pita with a slab of pesto cheese.”

“An ambitious combination, where did you get the inspiration?”

“I had leftover Chinese, Indian, and Greek in the fridge. I decided to let it sit in the Styrofoam container for an extra hour to really capture that take-out flavor.”

“What about the cheese?”

“I was originally going to make a side of pasta with creamy pesto sauce, but if you don’t stir the milk and flavor packet combination enough, it solidifies. Enjoy.”

“Alright, your third dish?”

“That would be cold found pizza with a side of steamed broccoli.”

“Broccoli again?”

“I buy it frozen by the bagful. Anyway, with this I hope you notice the change in flavors as the crust is no longer crispy and the cheese has solidified. The meats should be tenderer as they’ve had 3-5 weeks to age.”

“Excuse me?”

“We ordered in five weeks ago and three weeks ago, I honestly don’t know which one this is from. I did top it with some generic brand balsamic because I figure the vinegar can kill whatever’s on there.”

“Very… unique. Your fourth dish?”

“Yeah, I didn’t do a fourth dish. My clan mates were online.”

“I see, your desert then, Iron Chef?”

“Breyer’s cookies and cream ice cream made with real Oreos, served in a teacup because we were out of bowls. Although I think this ends up working better. Topped with a Hershey’s bar I stole from my roommate’s care package from home.”

“You certainly have a knack for working around limitations, Iron Chef. What about the secret ingredient?”

“Yeah, swordfish tastes like ass, so I didn’t use it.”

“Very well, anything you would like to say to our judges before they decide?”

“Yeah, I got to go do groceries now. Thanks for cleaning out my fridge, a-holes.”

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