| 1. Nose oil derricks
Harvesting nose oil seemed like such a great idea at first. By installing pumps on the faces of unpopular teenagers, we could not only get more energy, but also cure them of acne in the process. Plus, the derricks would make a great conversation piece when on dates, by the gym lockers, and so forth. This project was abandoned mostly due to lobbying by ACNE Co.’s competitor, ACME. After all, ACME does have a monopoly on stupid bullshit like this. |
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2. Hydrogen yule cell Conceived as a way to make transportation less reliant on foreign oil, it’s a burning yule log you stick in your car. Doesn’t sound so bad? Well, you have to grease the axle with reindeer bile and elf tears. |
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| 3. Broken wind power
Yeah, it’s basically a fan you stick on your butt. Whenever you fart, it generates enough electricity to recharge your iPod. You’re no longer “stinking up the room”–you’re “saving the earth”! This provision of the stimulus package nearly passed, but Joe Lieberman voted against it. Reportedly, Lieberman’s feelings were hurt that the program would not use the name he’d come up with, “Fartmills”. |
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