Dear Mr. Burpen,
We have completed the requested security report. We find that, while the newly redesigned Clunkline is impervious to most forms of internet tomfoolery, it is still vulnerable to some forms of “side-stream” attacks: attacks that come from outside a system, rather than within. For instance, a torrent of page requests that clogs your servers would be an in-system attack, but smacking your server with a sledgehammer would be side-stream.
Interestingly, hacking Clunkline’s password would be “brute force”, but breaking into your apartment, clubbing you to death, and stealing your server is side-stream. I dare say they have been misnamed! Back to the point. You should be aware that, in our test of your security protocols, our agents found it very easy to club you to death and steal your server.
We also note that Clunkline is vulnerable to missile strikes. When we targeted Grabass_Champion’s house with seventeen SCUD trucks, he did not appear to have any anti-missile defense systems in place to detect or destroy the incoming ordnance. The Forums server was obliterated. We recommend that, in the future, you install defenses against this sort of attack.
Lastly, there comes the issue of our pay. Our fee is $2.47 for every billable day, plus the cost of SCUD missiles and the price of our legal counsel. However, we know you cannot currently pay this, as we stole all the money from your checking account. In order to make things easier, we have passed the debt on to your family.
Have a nice day!
Jim Begley-Varch
Founder, Begley & Varch Security Systems
