Foods of the World

Ethiopian

No joke, there really are Ethiopian restaurants. It’s just like going to a Catholic brothel or a North Korean car dealership. You may be asking, “What, do you go there, sit down, and starve while the world ignores you?” But the advertising for these restaurants says they are completely normal, and deny that the food will be brought in by aid workers.

It turns out that Ethiopians actually do have food, they just export it all to restaurants like this. When I went, the food did look tasty. But I didn’t get to try any, because while the waiter was bringing it out, it was intercepted by a warlord.

Mexican

Why do any Americans eat burritos? Those burritos migrated north of the border to take the job of a good American hoagie. Also, Mexican restaurants are funded by drug money.

And if you do go to a Mexican restaurant despite my warnings, don’t drink the soda.

Vietnamese

Mmm-mm, I love me a good napalm-cooked crying child.

Be careful going to restaurants like this, though. Only about a third of the staff actually wants customers to be there. The other two thirds will try to force you onto the roof, into your waiting helicopter.

Iranian

However delicious their cuisine may be, Iranian restaurant chains are controversial due to their denial of the existence of Israeli restaurants. The evidence in favor of the existence of matzo balls is incontrovertible, so this position is considered rather rude.

They also refuse to let in health inspectors.

Australian

Australian dishes generally consist of a rare, poisonous wild animal with a silly name. These are bludgeoned to death with cricket bats and poorly-cooked, always on a barbie. Dinners are served with wine only if you promise to attach the cork to your hat.

There are two kinds of Australian restaurants: the kind that looks like the Sydney Opera House, and the kind that looks like a shack built from straw standing in the middle of a desert. The Sydney Opera House type has restrooms whose toilets flush the wrong way, and the other has a hole in the ground infested with no fewer than thirteen million deadly spiders. Both are to be avoided.

Although most Americans hold misconceptions about this, an Australian dish will never, ever include Kiwis.

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