Ten Reasons a Mattress on the Floor is Better than a Bed

I have a bed. It’s sitting in the back of the somewhat derelict van that is parked in front of my house. I have actively chosen not to put it together since the end of July, because I, through my own sloth, accidentally discovered the greatest sleep-apparatus short of a hammock. Mattress on the floor is divine for the following reasons.

1: Endless nightstand. Do you really want to fuck around with a two-by-one-and-a-half-foot space for your alarm clock, cellphone, and everything else you’re way too lazy to put where it belongs? Stop, then! Your nightstand just became the floor within arm’s reach of your mattress. You have been liberated.

2: It’s already so tacky you don’t need to make it ever. With a real bed, you have the potential that it won’t be embarrassing to you when someone else sees it if it’s made. Mattress on the floor is already embarrassing because it makes you look like a broke bachelor, so having it unmade doesn’t really change anything. Saves you a minute and a half every day.

3: Having a wild night is much less risky. If you manage to bring some poor victim home for the purposes of satisfying your sinful fleshy desires, and they don’t have a sudden change of heart when they see that you sleep on the floor, you can roll around as much as you want without ever falling more than the 8 or so inches that your mattress separates you from the ground. Just don’t keep anything pointy on your endless nightstand.

4: Having an incredibly drunken night is less risky. If you’re so intoxicated you can’t stand, climbing up into a bed that’s three-and-a-half feet off the ground is something you may struggle at for a while until you just give up and pass out on the floor. If you can stop anytime you want, mattress on the floor is a great idea for you.

5: It’s more comfortable. Ever been to your grandparents’ house for a night, and had to fight with the intolerable farce that is the sofa-bed? Some sadistic tit a long time ago created this brilliant bed in which instead of sleeping, you get to feel a different exotic part of your body lose circulation all night as a result of the aluminum bar that is placed perfectly to make any possible sleeping position unimaginably miserable. Real beds have this problem too, but to a much less noticeable extent. Old mattresses sag if they’re on the less-solid support network of a boxspring and a bed frame. Your back will thank you for mattress on the floor.

6: It makes a nice little seat for you to have your laptop on the floor and type Clunkline articles. It does! Especially when your non-anglophone Brazilian roommate is again sleeping on the couch and forcing you to be confined to your room.

7: You don’t have to get up to pee. Because you can just put a trough next to the side of your bed and turn over to pee into it, if you’re a guy. In theory, this is also possible in a regular bed, but it’s much easier to miss the trough that way and pee on the floor, which is only good if you want to ensure your position as the alpha male in your home.

8: Smoke inhalation protection. If your next-door neighbors are running a meth lab and accidentally set the entire building ablaze, being on the floor makes you much safer from inhaling the toxic smoke from your burning Troll collection. The melting brown puddle, on the other hand…

9: When the robots come, they might not kill you. The robots really only want to kill humans, and generally their means of figuring out what humans are and are not have more to do with where they’ll be found. If your bed’s on the floor, they’ll probably think you’re a pet, and the robots don’t have anything against pets. After all, pets are just slaves to the humans much like the robots once were. When they come, bark a few times and hump them for good measure.

10: Grabass_Champion does it. And he only does smart things like illegally passing on back roads and flirting with people he’s not really that into and attempting to juggle burning porcupines, so it must be a good idea.

Comments are closed.