1. I don’t rinse things before I put them in the dishwasher. It’s called a dishWASHER, people! Rinsing things is what it DOES! You don’t roast something over a fire before you put it in the oven, do you? That’s like parking a car in your bedroom so you can drive to the car in your garage. Now, it’s true that I don’t have a bedroom, but I do sleep in my car.
2. When I’m done peeing, I don’t wash my hands unless I peed on them. If there’s no pee on them, what’s the point?
3. When I’m done peeing, I don’t wash my hands even if I peed on them. Water is just glorified pee. I’ve effectively already rinsed.
4. I don’t wear condoms. What do I care if she gets pregnant? It’s not like I would have to take care of the baby! Besides, skin is basically a condom you don’t have to pay for.
5. I don’t take care of babies. (See #4.)
6. I don’t have sex. (See #’s 4 and 5.)
7. Pay taxes. If the government’s so smart, why are they so dumb? I totally came up with a solution to the recession. If you have unemployment and not enough money, give people ball-point pens and pay them to draw money. DUH. Also, I’m against government-run socialized firefighting. If you can’t afford firefighters, you didn’t earn them.
8. I can’t afford firefighters. I gave all my money to a man who said he ran a charity to help cats that are dangling off the edge of a cliff. This doesn’t really fit on the list, but I feel that it is important.
9. Read Marmaduke. Seriously, who the fuck reads Marmaduke?
