Security: A High Priority

We argued for a while about what caption this should have, so one became the title. DEAL WITH IT.


IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK LOCK

The runner-up captions were:

Brute Force Solutions: Just because it can be done that way doesn’t mean it should be.

and

The lock only works once.

I Forget What This Was Supposed to Be About

I get bored during breaks from school. Basically, my breaks amount to me having nothing to do because my friends all love their families and therefore love spending time with their families. I do not have this luxury. My Thanksgiving break revolved around hanging out with Tanzmetall, watching the soft core porn episode of the Next Generation, and enjoying the cinematic masterpiece that is the Phantom Menace. That, and masturbating.

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Cap'n Credit Crunch

Allergy Cupcakes

Popular Ads on the Sex Offender Registry

This past weekend, I attempted to get back in touch with a high school classmate of mine. I noticed that next to his mugshot on the sex offender database, there were no ads. Nothing, anywhere on the page. I was more outraged by this omission than by the crime he “allegedly” committed.

No marketing opportunity should go to waste! So, I hired a polling firm and did the field work to determine what ads would see a lot of traffic there. Here are my recommendations about what to advertise to readers of sex offender databases.

White vans
The always-in-style shaggin’ wagon is inexplicably popular with this demographic. The white paint job symbolizes innocence; the tinted windows, its loss.

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Hawaii's Natural Beauty

Hawaii has a surprisingly gritty underside. No place on Earth is free of stupidity… they just all have different stupidities, and some are more stupid than others. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen so much of this if I had the money to be a real tourist, but I scraped the bottom of the barrel, and here are the splinters I got.

Click for bigger pictures.

In the Hilo Wal-Mart parking lot, I saw this Alaskan pickup. (Yep, we went to Wal-Mart on vacation.)

In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here?

This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.

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Douchey Douche

Pope Tarts

More Episcopalians, Lawnmowers, and Calculus

Sir Issac Newton, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and a lawnmower walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “don’t tell me what ya want, boys, I have a knack for guessin’, but ya gotta let me look around ya mouth to see what ya like.”

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Episcopal Lawnmower Brigade Divided over Calculus Ruling

“I believe they concentrated on Calculus last year.” Said Helmut Buttganger, a Private in the Episcopal Lawnmower Brigade.

But it looks like Calculus has again become the focus of the Brigade.

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This is why I hate the internet

Googling my screen name produced this gem from back in 2005. I have no idea about the context of this info, only that some group of teen aged girls thought it was funny as hell. I’ve separated out the actual conversation from her conversation about the conversation for your convenience.

lime margar iiTa: HAHAHA
lime margar iiTa: who is this?
MesmericKiwi: my name is *****
MesmericKiwi: and who do I have the pleasure of conversing with?

lime margar iiTa: who talks like that?!
XxGrEenLoVexX: i dont know but whoever it is i hate already

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Small Dogs In Costumes, Motivational Speakers

WiiGynaecologist

Breaking: American Rappers, Chinese Shopkeers Endorse 'Crunkrine'

INNER ATLANTA

In a coming together of cultures, several representatives from the American hip hop community including Jay-Z, Lil John, and Michael Steele, met with many local first generation Chinese immigrant shopkeeps and buffeteers to endorse their favorite website, Crunkrine.

We accept, gentlemen. Thank you!

Wisdom

A few weeks ago, I helped a box turtle across the road. It was promptly eaten by a wolverine. As I returned to my car, I was flattened by the John Kerry campaign bus.

Can I be called a wise man?