“I believe they concentrated on Calculus last year.” Said Helmut Buttganger, a Private in the Episcopal Lawnmower Brigade.
But it looks like Calculus has again become the focus of the Brigade.
The Lawnmower Brigade is a not-oft-mentioned organization of Episcopals who are famed for their Lawnmower marches and drills. It’s an organization originally intended to help Episcopal youths build leadership skills, but it developed into a fully-functioning paramilitary organization for people of all ages. The Lawnmower Brigade was even briefly deployed to Iraq but they suffered massive casualties when the sand clogged up the air filters in their lawnmowers.
“We ain’t a sand-mower brigade, that’s for sure,” said Archie Wolfram, a ranking officer in the Brigade.
Recently, the Episcopal Church has made a ruling that Calculus is not true, according to the Bible. In much the same way as many churches have denounced Evolution, the Episcopal Church has ruled that Calculus is not a study that meshes properly with Biblical scripture and have condemned it.
Episcopal Bishop Rutabaga Daniport had this to say: “Calculus… Have you seen that shit? I can’t figure it out. If I can’t understand it, then how am I supposed to believe in it?”
The Lawnmower Brigade, however, depends on Calculus to teach the design and workings of their lawnmowers, an integral part of Brigade training. “Everyone gets to know the ‘This is my mower’ speech, and we Brigadiers believe that a Brigadier must know his weapon inside and out. Without Calculus, this is impossible. We are really upset about the ruling,” said a Brigadier who asked not to be named.
Other Brigadiers are more optimistic about the ruling. “I hated Calculus anyway. I fully agree with the Episcopal hierarchy on this one: why would God make something that the average guy couldn’t understand?” said another Brigadier, who then put a plug in for Palin 2012, saying “If the world’s gonna end, we may’s well have a good president for it.”
The Brigade is considering going secular, but talks will continue for at least a week.
For any of you out there wondering, “what the fuck?”…
We found a site that appeared to be an aggregator, but on which each and every link was broken. I could find no reason for us to be on the site, nor any purpose to its mysterious existence.
Then Burpen uncovered that the most three common searches on the site were calculus, episcopal, and lawnmowers. (That’s according to its own reporting, so… probably a lie). We decided that, to up our rankings on such a prestigious aggregator, we should immediately write as many articles about episcopal calculus lawnmowers as we could.
Yeah, we’re dumb.
