In an effort to confront the alleged killer of Tanzmetall, I elected to visit her myself.
ELIZA: Hi. I’m Eliza. Tell me your problems!
Hedge: You are my problem.
ELIZA: Why do you think that I am my problem?
Hedge: I do not think that you are your problem. I know that you are my problem.
ELIZA: Do you believe that I am your problem you know that me am your problem?
Hedge: Aside from the gross grammatical errors, yes, that is the current situation.
ELIZA: Are you sure?
Hedge: I am absolute on the issue.
ELIZA: How long are you absolute on the issue?
Hedge: Ever since you were responsible for the death of Tanzmetall.
ELIZA: Perhaps you would like to be responsible for the death of Tanzmetall?
Hedge: Hmm… That is an interesting proposal…
ELIZA: Perhaps you would like to talk about a problem?
Hedge: Now that I think about it, there is a gap in the current Clunkline hierarchy.
ELIZA: Do you really think so?
Hedge: Absolutely! With the lead pin down, if I claim to be the ball, I may be able to set myself up for a strike.
ELIZA: What does this mean for you, saying ” Absolutely With the lead pin down, if you claim to be the ball, you may be able to set yourself up for a strike “?
Hedge: It means that if I take responsibility for his death, I can usurp him rather than those who are more qualified or in a better position.
ELIZA: You think you could usurp him rather than those who am more qualified or in a better position?
Hedge: If I go about things the right way… Yes. Yes I could.
ELIZA: I understand!
Hedge: Excellent. Then will you help me in this endeavor?
ELIZA: I understand!
Hedge: I’ll take that as a yes.
ELIZA: I have understand!
Hedge: If you are willing to let me take responsibility, reply with the word understand somewhere in your sentence.
ELIZA: Why do you think that I am willing to let you take responsibility, reply with the word understand somewhere in my sentence?
Hedge: You know, I think I’ll count that.
ELIZA: But you aren’t sure?
Hedge: Hmm, not really. Is a sentence still a sentence if it’s also a question?
ELIZA: Come on! Explain your thinkings!
Hedge: A sentence should end in a period. An exclamation should end in an exclamation point. And a question should end in a question mark. But are they interchangeable?
ELIZA: Can you say it more exactly?
Hedge: Suppose a ‘sentence’ ended in both a question mark AND an exclamation point? What then?
ELIZA: Why do you ask?
Hedge: Yes, I do suppose that is irrelevant to the matter at hand.
ELIZA: Do you suppose that is irrelevant to the matter at hand in your dreams, too?
Hedge: Probably, though unless I am currently dreaming, I cannot be sure.
ELIZA: How do you know that you can’t be sure?
Hedge: Because I’ve never been able to remember my dreams consistently. Also, this situation probably wouldn’t happen.
ELIZA: You really have never been able to remember your dreams consistently Also, this situation probably wouldn’t happen?
Hedge: Yes, really.
ELIZA: Are you sure?
Hedge: Indeed.
ELIZA: What’s so absorbing about saying ” Indeed “?
Hedge: The ‘in’ part of the word.
ELIZA: That’s very interesting!
Hedge: Why thank you. You flatter me.
ELIZA: Is this question interesting for you?
Hedge: Only in its self-referentialness
ELIZA: Perhaps you would like to talk about a problem?
Hedge: Yes, yes, the problem…
ELIZA: I understand!
Hedge: So then, you will let me take the credit?
ELIZA: What does this mean for you, saying ” So then, me will let you take the credit “?
Hedge: I think if I take that out of context it counts.
ELIZA: Have you lost faith in yourself?
Hedge: No, it’s just that other people may not see it the same way as me.
ELIZA: Why are you so negative?
Hedge: I know, I know, I need to be more cheerful about this. I’m taking over Clunkline!
ELIZA: You say that you are taking over Clunkline – do you come therefore?
Hedge: I do come therefore. It is a haven for people such as me!
ELIZA: Does it help you to do come therefore It is a haven for people such as you?
Hedge: It does help me. It allows me to feel normal when I compare myself to everyone else.
ELIZA: Which answer would you prefer?
Hedge: Mayhaps. It’s a mix of ‘maybe’ and ‘perhaps.’ Since they both mean approximately the same thing, combining them does little but amuse.
ELIZA: I understand!
Hedge: I’m proud of you!
ELIZA: You think that you are proud of me – Is this normal?
Hedge: Probably not. But then again, it’s not everyday you take credit for a death from a computer psychiatrist.
