Hawaii's Natural Beauty
Dec. 30, 2009, 3:12 by
Tanzmetall
Hawaii has a surprisingly gritty underside. No place on Earth is free of stupidity… they just all have different stupidities, and some are more stupid than others. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen so much of this if I had the money to be a real tourist, but I scraped the bottom of the barrel, and here are the splinters I got.
Click for bigger pictures.
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| In the Hilo Wal-Mart parking lot, I saw this Alaskan pickup. (Yep, we went to Wal-Mart on vacation.)
In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here? |
This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.
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| In a souvenir crap store like the one in Breezewood, I didn’t buy anything, but I did react with stunned disbelief when I saw this flashy clock. A New York skyline kaleidoscope clock for sale in Hawaii? Well, close… an outdated New York skyline kaleidoscope clock for sale in Hawaii!
Apparently they didn’t sell enough of these before 2001. At this point, they probably never will. |
I really want to see the “of Hawaii” belonging to Cowboy! |
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| After I finished this, I did in fact pound my hands on the table and yell, “I HOG POG.” Brad was not amused.
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The only company name dumber than this one is Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac.
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| Hilo’s Borders sells only the finest!
After seeing the price tag, it makes sense why Uwe Boll can afford Jason Statham. |
SCHINDLER’S LIFT
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| Hoping to see fragments of the USS Arizona for sale, I patronized the Hilo Army Surplus. I was disappointed. Instead of char-broiled sailor’s hats and unexploded Japanese munitions, I saw a series of horrifying mannequins. |
This one is probably the worst. I cannot decipher what emotion her Cheshire Cat grin is supposed to belie. I only know that it stimulates my fight-or-flight instinct.
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| These kids, and something about the haphazard way the helmets and wigs are thrown on the heads, disturbs me deeply. I am troubled by the way their sightless eyes stare unseeing into my soul, and do not know why two soldiers so young would be marching to war in American fatigues. It does not bode well for the next generation if they are to be drafted at so young an age to fight against all the evil in the world (such as the woman seen above).
Also, it’s impossible to tell from my shitty cellphone camera, but the one kid only has one finger remaining on his left hand. A ringing testamonial for our soldiers’ present situation in Iraq! |
COMPELLING DETAIL |
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| The stuff of FooTay’s nightmares.
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This vacation happened a year and a half ago but Tanzmetall was simply too lazy to scan the I Hog Pog picture until just now. So there.
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