I get bored during breaks from school. Basically, my breaks amount to me having nothing to do because my friends all love their families and therefore love spending time with their families. I do not have this luxury. My Thanksgiving break revolved around hanging out with Tanzmetall, watching the soft core porn episode of the Next Generation, and enjoying the cinematic masterpiece that is the Phantom Menace. That, and masturbating.
For those of you who do not know me, and probably those of you who do, I spend a great deal of time masturbating. So it should come as no surprise to you that on this most boring of breaks, I have spent a great deal of time masturbating. I masturbated in bed, I masturbated in the living room, I masturbated on the Christmas tree, I masturbated on my cat, I masturbated in the backyard, etc. And as ashamed as I am to admit it with all of the masturbating I was doing, I started to get bored with my usual brand of pornography. No offense, Slutty French Maids Fuck Each Other’s Brains Out, but I can only watch two women in corsets 69ing for so long (for the record it took me ten days to get to this point). I decided a needed a fresh new, hip pornography.
So I went to YouPorn, and I found her… and more importantly, it. The girl I had been expecting, but had never thought to see her doing what she was doing with one of those. And quite frankly, it was magical.
Suddenly my entire life snapped into focus. I now know why cutting vegetables makes me nervous. I see exactly why I get aroused watching women browsing in the produce aisle. I know why I painted my penis green when I was a child. I finally understand why I run to the fridge whenever a girl takes her clothes off in front of me. For sliding in and out of the woman’s vagina was the one thing I have always wished my penis was… a cucumber.
