The holidays are a time when there’s a little magic in the air, but this year things will be a little different. Just when it looked like Christmas wouldn’t come this year, the Son of Man stood up and said, “That ain’t right.” In short, Jesus saved Christmas.
“It was so sweet the way the Rock of Ages filled in for the injured Santa,” said critic Danielle Steele. “And the veterinary proficiency Jesus displayed in healing Rudolf’s ailing nose was astounding. When the Light of the World worked for hours to fix Santa’s sleigh during that one montage sequence, I was ready to cry.” Added Steele, “That ticking clock motif really got to me.”
“When some zany elf rebels captured Mrs. Clause and took her to the U.S.S.R., I really thought it was all over,” said theatergoer Ray Wilkins. “The ensuing passage where Jesus tracked down and fought the Communists and their dinosaurs in their tundra lair was one of the most meaningful moments of my life, perhaps anyone’s life anywhere. It shows that while Jesus seemed hardboiled on the outside, on the inside he’s a man with a big heart… which may or may not be on fire.”
Eyewitnesses have reported that Jesus proceeded to bring back the stolen presents, reunite his estranged parents, and teach a child to believe in Santa Clause… and in himself.
“It’s a Christmas miracle,” said young Krustavich, whose faith in humanity (and in Jesus) had been restored.
This salvation of a cherished time of togetherness as a family came as a relief after 1996, when some Spanish guy saved Christmas and no one could understand him or give him a job that paid above minimum wage.
This article was previously published in readme, Carnegie Mellon University’s one-stop source for things that probably aren’t true.
