“Yup, it’s gone now,” said former investment banker Leah Jones on Thursday. “They up and collided those hadrons, and now we’re all dead. I kept telling them this would happen, and did they listen? Evidently not.”
“As someone who’s never been dead before, this came as quite a shock to me,” said former marine biologist Barret Richards. “But being sucked into a micro black hole wasn’t actually as bad as I thought it might be, just a little crowded. I mean, it’s kind of sad that we’re all dead now, but then again, all in the pursuit of knowledge, right?”
“As someone who’s been dead man a few times before, this still came as quite a shock to me,” said former Buddhist Ray Huong. “Everything all rushing together at once, the sound of a planet compressing into a space smaller than most fun size candy bars…. At least this shuts up those people who keep asking, ‘Is it bigger than a breadbox?’ when playing 20 Questions. No. It isn’t. Not anymore.”
The Large Hadron Collider was hailed by physicists as the most powerful way to smash atoms together, thereby meddling in laws of nature never meant for human ken. “As a former physicist, I have been waiting over 20 years to conduct unholy experiments into the nature of being that could endanger the whole human race for the sake of our arrogance and blind pursuit of forbidden knowledge,” said Dr. Gantley Screwbeck.
Dr. Screwbeck added., “Now that the LHC has reached full power and the world has been destroyed, my only regret is that I never got to realize my dream of finding the Higgs Boson, then building a machine to smash them together to see what would come out.”
The Large Hadron Collider was the last in a series of machines that smashed two things together to see what would come out, including the Large Vehicle Collider, the Large Animal Collider, and the proposed-but-never-built Large Your Mother Collider, which had to be SO large that… well. You know.
As it happens, the last-recorded words of humanity to be broadcast into space before the earth and all nearby radiowaves were sucked into the micro black hole was the chorus to the song “Time of Your Life” by Green Day. It is thought that an alien civilization may one day take these words and use them to erect a monument to the human race and their unbearable hubris.
This article was published concurrently in readme.
