Marmaduke is the worst comic ever.

You didn’t tell the dog it was your birthday, you just told him “Fsss fsss sss sss” which is something only crazy people say. Also why are the dog catchers after Marmaduke? He clearly has owners. Also why would the dog care that it’s the dog catcher’s birthday? You couldn’t think of anything better than that, Anderson?

But the best part of the Sunday strips is the “Dog Gone Funny” section. Yeah, you saw it here, they made a pun using “Doggone.” I vomited enough to fill a Volkswagen camper van the first time I saw that. The “Dog Gone Funny” sections are never actually funny, but are instead the sort of pathetic stories that people who are so boring they can’t talk about anything but their pets tell. The sorts of stories that give you uncontrollable diarrhea as your body fights to save your brain from certain liquefaction. “I don’t know why the dog only barks at bus 84! Did I tell you she can say ‘Fries?’”

What does this even mean? The dog is dragging two extremely-uncomfortable-looking fat people along behind it. Apparently that’s a business. But what does a dog do with money? And I think fat people can walk themselves. Why does the one on the left look like a viking? Does Brad Anderson enjoy a steady diet of PCP and Twinkies? How else could he come up with this terrible, terrible shit?

YOU DUMB FUCK DOG NOBODY BUYS BONES ON EBAY NOW GO HUMP THE MAILMAN

Because he’ll definitely read the sign before being an annoying shitfuck like he is.

NO YOU DUMB BITCH I’M A DOG!

NO I DON’T BECAUSE I’M STILL A FUCKING DOG! FSDASFDSSFAS;FDASDFGHF

Here Anderson takes a bizarre and sort of depressing tack by reminding us that Marmaduke is neutered, and he’s really sad about it.

The worst thing about Marmaduke is that he ate a shitload of chocolate but still won’t fucking die. He’s 55 years old now. It’s really time Marmaduke was turned into an order of Kung Pow. But every time they try to pull Marmaduke from the papers people actually protest it! Why? It’s not funny at all! There is nothing fulfilling about reading that shit. Enjoying Marmaduke should be grounds for immediate involuntary psychological attention.

GRUMMMM WAROOOOOOO

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