In an effort to close the $15 million gap in this year’s City Budget, Pittsburgh Mayor Ravenstahl the Younger has made moves to install a “slow driving” tax.
“Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference.
“Yinz can take a hike,” responded a homeless man in attendance, who himself only responds to the name “Light-Up Mike”.
“I’m sick,” he coughed, “of this government picking on specific groups of people, especially the helpless groups!”
“Oh?” said the Mayor. “How do you propose we do it, Light-Up Mike?”
“We steal the money from UPMC. They are less of a group and more of a maintenance organization.”
Just then, a Death Panel burst into the room, their white Judge’s Wigs arrayed atop black SWAT gear, and killed everyone.
“ALL KNEEL IN PRAISE OF UPMC!” the squad shouted.
And so began the Great Pittsburgh Dystopia of 2009.