It’s not every day you count the beavers in between you and Arby’s. No. It’s not every day. But today is only one day, and today I did it.
It started out real hard. I looked everywhere for the fuckers. Couldn’t find a single one. I figured, damn, there must be more than no beavers between where I am and Arby’s. Then I realized I was still in the bathtub.
I don’t know much, no. But I sure’s hell know ain’t no beavers in the bathtub. I looked harder than you ever looked at anything in your life. Anything but your mom’s tits anyway. Fag.
After I got out of the bathtub, I went outside and started lookin’ for ‘em. I was on a mission, dammit. The more beavers I could find, the better I’d understand them. The better I could understand them, the sooner I could get in there and steal their ladies. ‘Cause that’s what I was after in the end, anyway. Ladies. I’d even call ‘em “The Ladies” but that’s creepy.
So I’m outside lookin’ for the beavers outside where they’re more likely to be than in my bathtub. Or so my research proves. One thing I’ve learned from all my sciencin’ is that you never wanna speak in absolutes. All you know is what you researched and what God tells you when yer prayin’ real hard ’cause yer forcin’ out a big dry loaf.
But I’m outside and walkin’ around my neighbor’s yard makin’ sure ain’t no beavers there and then I go into the next neighbor’s yard and also ain’t no beavers there but I went back to the first neighbor’s yard just to make sure they weren’t goin’ to the other neighbor’s yard when I was in the first neighbor’s yard and all a sudden the police show up.
Now I knows officer Scratch ‘n’ Sniff or whatever his name is (I think he’s a jew but don’t tell ‘im I said it) but I knows ‘im real good ’cause we used to share a locker in the fourth grade and that’s the last I seen of him before I went into them other classes with all the colors an’ shapes an’ advanced shit and we’re pretty much as close as you can get, me an’ Scratch ‘n’ Sniff. So I was a bit flustrated when first thing he asks me is “Sir, why ain’t you wearin’ any clothes?” So I told him “Damn, Scratch ‘n’ Sniff, ain’t you even gon’ ask me how I been or what I been up to?” and he got real nice an’ asked me if I was drunk and I said well yes Scratch ‘n’ Sniff just like every day just like back when we’s sharin’ a locker in fourth grade an’ I dun barbecued yer cat ’cause your yogurt blowed up all over my bag, remember?
An’ then he turned on me again, acted like he don’t even know me. All he done was gimme a ride in his car an’ I wanted to put on some clothes first ’cause I didn’t realize until then I ain’t put no clothes on after my bath and I wanted to put ‘em on before we was gonna go out like old times. But it didn’t matter anyway ’cause his idear of fun was goin’ to the police station an’ pretendin’ to arrest me! Scratch ‘n’ Sniff always liked the practical jokes, but I don’t think he told no-one ’cause then they really did put me in jail.
So I thought well ain’t no problem if I go on trial I’ll just defend myself they’ll understand it were just a joke done gone wrong anyway. But people kep’ tellin’ me I should get a public defender or some shit. How do you like doin’ that public defender shit anyway?
Let me tell you, public defender or not, bet you don’t know how many beavers between my place and Arby’s.
