This past weekend, I attempted to get back in touch with a high school classmate of mine. I noticed that next to his mugshot on the sex offender database, there were no ads. Nothing, anywhere on the page. I was more outraged by this omission than by the crime he “allegedly” committed.
No marketing opportunity should go to waste! So, I hired a polling firm and did the field work to determine what ads would see a lot of traffic there. Here are my recommendations about what to advertise to readers of sex offender databases.
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White vans The always-in-style shaggin’ wagon is inexplicably popular with this demographic. The white paint job symbolizes innocence; the tinted windows, its loss. |
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Candy Not sure why they like candy so much. Seems like more of a kid-thing. But, the research has spoken–they really want candy for some reason. |
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Sunglasses I guess these cool cats just gotta look hip! |
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Free credit reports Really, who doesn’t want a free credit report? I can’t count the number of times I’ve compulsively clicked on one of these ads! (I had about four more sentences here but couldn’t remember what I wrote before my computer froze. For some reason, the damn thing is full of viruses.) |
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Kindergartenfinder.com This one makes a lot of sense to me. These guys are mostly aged 40 and older, a lot of them probably have kids and need to know where to drop them off for soccer practice. |
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Thailand tourism Thailand is beautiful at this time of year. But be careful: sometimes what you think is Thailand, is just Vietnam in drag. |
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Lawyers Ah, another thing no American should be without! Whenever I bust out my semi-annual lawsuit, I need one of these. Apparently people who use the sex offender registry also need them. Perfectly reasonable. |
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Seminary school This one is the only one that doesn’t make sense. Why would Catholics be looking at this site? The Catholic clergy has nothing in common with sex offenders! Maybe it’s some Irish guy with too many kids, looking for a nice new adoptive parent to take some of them. (I did notice that many of the gentlemen in the database just loooove children.) |
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