Review: The Chemicals that Have Been in my Eye Today

Today I’ve opted to provide to you, the very fortunate reader, a review of various chemicals and how they felt in my eye. After painstaking research and lots of running into things given my now-very-limited depth perception, I bring you this, a review of the chemicals that have been in my eye today.

Water: Not bad, not terribly painful either. Per doctors’ recommendations this one would end up in my eye over and over again throughout the day. I’d have to say most of those times it had a soothing effect and I came to quite appreciate it until I met Potassium.

Semen: One doctor also recommended this. I’m not sure if he was really a doctor. It had the notable effect of making the eye red in color and after drying caused the eye to stick shut in a very crusty manner.

Chili oil: Or more specifically, capsaicin. That’s what I was feeling, anyway. And boy, did I feel it! I ran about for about ten minutes blinking and gasping “Aah, fuck!” I would not recommend it unless you like running about for ten minutes blinking and gasping “Aah, fuck.”

Superglue: Superglue is at first quite interesting because the sensation of hardening tingles a bit in the eye and really isn’t comparable to anything else. But the novelty is swiftly replaced by dread as you realize “Oh, Jesus, how am I going to get this out of my eye?” Fortunately, I was prepared to give my eye to my research so it was no great loss for me.

Mayonnaise: I have no idea what to tell you about this one. Try it yourself. It is fuuuuuucked up.

Fire: I know this is a process more than a chemical, but I tried it anyway and I very much do not recommend it. It engenders a strong burning sensation not unlike having fire in your eye. The string of expletives following this endeavor is not fit to be published in even the most base of publications. Avoid it yourself, but I’m not entirely certain it wouldn’t make a good prank to play on others.

Concentrated Sulphuric Acid: This is a terrible way to follow up the introduction of fire to the eye. I would never recommend it. This pain was akin to nothing that I’d ever have previously thought could exist on this earth. It was then that I learned the world has many more terrors than I’d ever imagined before. Concentrated sulphuric acid has a disillusioning effect.

I have some reservations about the reviews I intend to do tomorrow which I intend to call “The Chemicals that Have Been in my Other Eye Today,” but I still intend to carry them out.

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