Sins of our Flags of our Fathers

Put your shit on the correct side of the flag, Zambia. It goes on the left, near the pole, not the right.

Okay, flags of the world, listen up. A nation’s flag is supposed to be its unique identifying symbol, a collection of colors and insignia that define its people, what they stand for, and what they hope for. It is the banner that will brand their greatest accomplishments, it will be hoisted above their competitors on the world stage, and is the oriflamme they rally behind in times of war. Yet so many of y’all are pedestrian, similar, and uninspired. You fly behind the god damned presidents of the world, ya gotta shape up.

First, ya gotta actually try when you make your flag. I’m looking at you, Libya. I don’t care if green was the prophet’s color, in a world full of dull tricolours and bicolours, you can’t be the only monocolour. Throw a stripe or start or crest or something on that. What are you snickering at, Cyprus? All you did was stick a poorly drawn outline of the country on a white background. You’re a map, not a flag. Kosovo, you apparently thought this was hilarious and copied it for your own damn flag. You’re not even original in being uninspired.

Chad and Romania, stop sharing a god damn flag. At least do what Rwanda did and slap an letter on it to differentiate or have a genocide and change the damn thing.

Speaking of originality, stop copying each other. Yeah, I know ol’ glory rocks socks, and Liberia I’ll let slide because we essentially founded you (you named your capital for Monroe? Seriously? I know he helped create y’all and what not, but pick a better president), but Malaysia? Swapping fifty stars for the sun ain’t fooling nobody. Slovenia, Slovakia, and Serbia, y’all blend together. You’ve had genocides over being mistaken for each other, get a better flag than just simply stealing Russia’s and slapping an off center seal on it. Guinea, Guinea Bassau, and Guyanna, get different colors.

And oh my god the southern cross isn’t interesting. Australia, New Zealand, Papau New Guinea, and Samoa, y’all have jungles full of terrifying and poisonous beasts. Kill one of them, paste it to the flag and drop the stars.

In fact, everyone except the US, you’re abusing stars. Vietnam and Somalia, no one’s fooled. You realized that a solid color flag was stupid and just slapped a star on it. You’re a step ahead of Libya, which is like getting picked right before the fat kid in dodge ball. You’re as lazy as you are uncreative. Tuvalu, representing the orientation of the islands with stars is creative but, sadly, yours is not a good looking country. Make a ring or grid like any sensible nation. If the geometry doesn’t works out, well, with global warming you’re gonna have less stars soon anyway. And Bosnia and Herzegovina, if you’re gonna put a shit ton of stars up, at least make the damn flag big enough so they don’t get cut off. Venezuela, you’re not fooling anyone, take the stars off and give Columbia their flag back. And Israel, you’re surrounded by a bunch of nations that hate Jews, why the fuck would you put a Star of David on your damn flag?

You know what you did, Nepal. Now go to time-out.

Philippines, don’t have your war flag being your regular flag flipped upside down, that’s a recipe for disaster. You really want hundreds dead because some dumb ass private couldn’t remember if the red stripe goes on top or if the blue one does? And UK, you know your flag is slightly different upside down, I know your flag is slightly different upside down, but the world doesn’t know better. If you make flying it upside down a distress sign, make it noticeable. If your ship is sinking, the last thing you want is for your rescuers staring at the flag, wondering whether or not your god damn boat is sinking. Be more different upside down, guys, lives are at stake.

And Nepal, don’t get me started on what you did wrong.

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