Stars and Stripes For Profit

This isn’t even the right flag! That’s Liberia’s flag! As if decades of slavery were not enough, now we deface someone else’s flag just because we’re too fucking LAZY to ink the RIGHT NUMBER OF STARS!

Worse still, it’s a THROW PILLOW. It’s not even a real pillow!

It’s like a big-game hunter tracking down the last Tasmanian tiger and then calling it a dingo when he mounts it to his wall.

Patriotic holidays are just commercialist circlejerks. We don’t honor the fallen. We have sales on mattresses. It’s bad enough that Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Labor Day have been bastardized, but why you gotta exploit the blood of our ancestors to make a $.59 profit on a refrigerator magnet?

'Cause nothing honors the flag like dribbling beer on it from your slovenly, slack-jawed mouth. But hey, at least your foreign beer is cold.

It always saddens me when there’s a bunch of little abandoned American flags on the ground after Memorial Day. Because it’s not as if our grandfathers fought and died so we could remember them one day a year and then jerk off to HotOrNot for the other 364.

I am not trying to imply that they died so we could jerk off to them.

You know what I’m a “fan” of? My dead grandfather, who was shot full of hot lead on Omaha Beach, unloved and unremembered, while my grandma fucked the 4F milkman. Now, sure, he was just a fisherman in a dinghy in the wrong place at the wrong time, but the man was a patriot.

When hippies burn the flag as a symbol, and really understand what they’re doing, conservatives get all up in arms, but when the flag is used by people who don’t understand it to sell cars, bandannas, and jackets, nobody gives a shit. And those bandannas are made in China! Not only do we not care about our industry, but we’re letting others profit off our misinformed patriotism. The blatant capitalism may be American, but it’s not AmERic’n.

Flags that use polyester deepen our need for oil, which is un-American. Flags should be made from good American cotton by good American slaves. While I’m here, what is the proper way to dispose of a flag napkin at a 4th of July cookout? Hell, what’s the right way to FOLD it? Altogether, we’ve lost respect for the flag.

Maybe these colors should run. We clearly need to incentivize respect for the flag. If your flag is left out in the rain, it should be ruined the next day. Oh, you let America spoil on your front porch? Guess you should have taken care of the country properly, ass.

We used to put flags on caskets carrying the honored fallen. But now, we put them on the most disappointing candy this side of an anus.

But I’m pleased that the word “spangled” only refers to flags for the most part. However, in order for its propriety to be complete, we must exterminate every Great Spangled Frittilary that flutters the earth. Besides, those fuckers cause hurricanes.

Now, I’m sure you’re asking, why didn’t we publish this article on Flag Day? Because I have no goddamn idea when that is! And that’s another problem! When the hell is it?

You know what? Fuck holidays. I got a better idea.

Every day should be Flag Day. Solves the problem without us actually having to do anything.

You know.

The AmERic’n way.

Pictures courtesy of the godless Oriental Trading Company. I mean… they have Oriental right there in the name!

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