Spurred on by the flowering of religious tolerance in Europe, the United States finally packed its bags and transferred back to Europe on Thursday, giving all of North America back to the Native American peoples.
“What the hell?” said University of Pittsburgh student Libia Montague, as did every other nonwhite person in North America. “Where did all the European settlers go? For the first time in my life I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, where The Man had previously been holding me down. I feel so… unrepressed!”
“About time they left,” said Abeytu Donoma of the Omaha. “They came in here, gave us all smallpox, and then march about like they own the place while we’re all, ‘Hey, I’m dying!’ Frigging asshole Europeans and their concept of land ownership! Well, they’re gone now, anyway. W00t.”
“I understand that many Native Americans are upset about what’s happened between us, but time has passed since my wild years,” said the United States. “And I’m sorry for behaving like a jackass, but heck man, I needed a place to stay after my motherland and fatherland kicked me out of Europe and I just wasn’t thinking.”
Added the United States, “Nowadays, my folks understand me much better. If I want to invite a few friends over to practice Calvinism in the house, I can, just so long as we don’t keep my parents up past 12. My parents are so cool!”
As delighted as they were to have North America back, many Native Americans were unsatisfied by the move. “They still haven’t paid their rent checks, which makes them what, about 300 years late?” said Awesome Wolf of the Iroquois. “And now we’ve got all of these metropolitan messes just lying everywhere that they didn’t even bother to clean up? Worst tenants evar!
This was published in readme a long time ago… when the President was white. Times change.
