This here is a compilation of wrongness involving much irony, too-much-of-a-good-thing scenarios, turns of phrase, and things like that. To start: Water is fundamental factor of life… It’s also a fundamental factor of drownings.

Carrots are good for your vision… unless a few are stabbed in your eyes.

Vick’s Vapor Rub clears your air passages… unless it’s in your air passages.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away… unless the doctor conspires to poison your apples in a plot to make you dependent on his services so that he can milk your checkbook, in which case you’re likely to see the bastard for a good while.

It’s best to put your money where your mouth is… That way, when you accidentally choke on it, I can inherit your fortune.

Ignorance is bliss… Ignorance is also the reason people wander into traffic or take showers during electrical storms.

A little bit of sun never hurt anyone… yet.

The rhino virus is nothing more than the common cold… unless someone actually bothers to infect you with a stampede of rhinos. Then it becomes a lot more than the common cold.

Knowing is half the battle… unless what you know is that your gruesome defeat is inevitable. Then it’s just disheartening.

A healthy lifestyle includes eating three square meals a day… until the corners rupture the lining of your stomach.

Reach for the stars… if your dream is to vaporize instantly.

It’s good to stop and smell the roses… unless the roses belong to old Mrs. Winkler, and she unchains her rottweiler.

You have the right to bear arms… but the bear will likely maul you to death before you manage to remove them.

If at first you don’t succeed… then the only way to keep a perfect track record is to continue failing.

The night is always darkest before the dawn… Never tell that to a miner stranded in a cave in.

This land is my land. This land is your land… Time for a land war.

Milk helps build strong bones… but you can’t depend on it to make strong skyscrapers, I’ve learned.

Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn… but if there are women in Hell, then, yes, it does.

Giving is better than receiving… especially if it’s a sickness.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You often find it snuffed out and stale in a plastic bag, forgotten by the previous homeowner in the back of a closet.

4 out of 5 experts agree that volcanoes are lethal. The fifth expert was killed in a pyroclastic flow.

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