While I do appreciate the depth in which you feel things, specifically objects, more specifically plastic phallic objects, I do not understand why you feel the need to lick them in such a manner. While I am perfectly accepting of exploring oneself, I do not see the purpose in tasting oneself. If you happen to be in a lesbian experiment, and you wish to explore the flavors of your new friend, perhaps she would find it more reasonable to go straight to the source.
As I was watching you tonight over my roommate’s shoulder, being quiet as to not startle him, I realized you do quite many a thing that needs not be done. For instance, the first scene in which you straddled a man, you asked him to make noise. I believe all who buy this specific tape can clearly see he cannot be of this species, and thus any noise that this behemoth would make would be that of a chimp. Indeed it was. Also, asking him, mid-entrance, if he was cold was just inconceivable. Mr. Porn Star Man had enough hair on his body to clothe the surviving citizens of the United States after a nuclear holocaust; I doubt his temperature drops below five-hundred degrees on any given day.
Also on the topic of the unnecessary: your fascination with yourself is something to be admired. However, you seem to punish yourself for it. I am not sure if you are aware, darling, but there are about 8,000 nerve endings in that itsy bitsy little spot that you insist on smacking around! If you were kind to yourself, maybe Mr. Porn Star Man, or Ms. Porn Star Madame, whomever you happen upon at the time, would feel the need to help you. While getting off to a running start is also appreciated by some, I doubt any of them would be unwilling to assist you in this manner, especially since they are getting paid.
Dear, you are also geographically challenged. If you are vacationing with your sorority sisters at a ski resort, it is rather idiotic not to dress for the occasion. While you could easily shave Mr. Porn Star Man and make enough coats for each of your ample sorority sisters, I do believe he would have a small problem with that. Therefore I propose you enter the ski resort in a fur coat (faux fur, as random animal murder is wrong). If you want to pull off something sexy, it is fine to wear nothing underneath. Cut off shorts that hardly equal a normal pair of bikini briefs seems a bit uncommon for the weather. The camp fire is not that warm.
If you are angry in the tent you share with girlfriends a, b, and c, it is one thing to give way to sexual tension. However, it should be believable anger. In fact, I was almost convinced until in your rage you tried to slam the flap of the tent. It would be much more appropriate to zip it up quickly. Now that you have body heat, why leave?
It seems Mr. Porn Star Man with his fur offends you–so much so that there is no evidence that you have ever possessed even an inch of body hair yourself. Grooming is acceptable. However, administering what I am sure was pure torture, as I see no little red bumps from the extreme close ups, says quite a lot about your psyche. You must have been abused as a child, which left you longing for an innocent past. Your body image at that time was more suited your maturity level now, as witnessed from your lack of vocabulary, and thus you feel the need to show off a body of that of a little girl. Any other time you enjoy your woman-hood (and others’). Why not now?
For future reference, when masturbating on a picnic table on an old run-down farm, it might be a good idea to check for splinters. Actually, in your case it may be a good idea for you, yourself, to sand the picnic table, as you squirm a lot. I couldn’t help but notice after so much of that squirming, a few differences in the picture were quite obvious. The girl whom the directors chose to be your double had a tattoo of a little man with a lawnmower on her left hip bone. Of all of your other scenes I had never caught a glimpse of it and so I can only assume that you and the picnic table got in a fight at the last second.
Ms. Porn Star Lady, I do proclaim it time for a new career. However, we at Sit and Be Fit do not consider your audition tape to be appropriate at this time.
