Ah, scammers, how we loathe them. They seem to have sprung up from the ground once the internet and email became popular. While the current email clients are very good at filtering out spam, and web browsers will warn you about most harmful sites, enough people fall for their tricks to make it a lucrative living. But this mass communication and the ability to reach almost anyone has been a very recent development. So how did they survive before then? Well, by doing the same thing they’re doing now. It was just a bit harder. Here I will detail how a few of the more popular scams were run prior to the internet. To begin, I start with one of the most well known:
Nigerian Banker has money he needs to get out of an account.
I come to you, dear citizens, in a moment of great pain, and ask you all to do your part during this terrible blizzard. My Suggestions? 1. Gather round your pitchforks, fire and cantankerous old men. As an angry mob, we kill the ground hog. 2. Ladies and Gentlemen, please, blast your 1980′s Metal and frolic about outside with your aqua net and hairdryers. One will kindly encourage mother nature’s warm spell, and the other, while less effective, will be much more satisfying. 2.a. I understand that some of you have an allergy to Aquanet. The same effect can be had by ingesting beans, beer, broccoli, and for those of you with the ever so excitable disease lactose-intolerance, have yourself a glass of milk and some mac and cheese. Methane AWAY! 3. Outside, there is a bunch of fresh, clean, free water falling from the sky. Why is no one melting this and sending it to Haiti? A. Sharing is Caring, and they need it. B. We give people jobs, to melt and bottle the snow, and boost the economy with public works. C. We get the fuck rid of it!
Dear Foul Wretched Spawn of Society,
I am truly sorry your precious snowflake did her absolute damnedest to be removed twice from our store by stealing, moving her lips and producing such a great wind as to knock over merchandise, and then refusing to place it back where it belongs, which I see you’ve taught her well.
Dear Sir Richard, In response to your overly enthusiastic letter detailing your invention, and with the aid of several of the local youth we found wandering our grounds, we have completed several prototypes of your proposed design. We have begun the lab testing procedure, and are almost ready to release these into the market. There are, however, a few design choices I think you should reconsider.
You call yourself a director, but I call you a FOOL. Yes, sir, a fool of the first degree! And in this case, “first” is worse than “third”: it’s like murder, not burns. Which brings up the question: if I burn you to death, what degree would the fire be?
Sentinel (finishing up drying dishes): This is where I leave you.
Sgt. Earth: Well, thank you muchly.
Sentinel: That’s not a word.
Sgt. Earth: What?
Sentinel: “Muchly.” That’s not a word.
Sgt. Earth: It’s wordish.
This town I happen to be stuck in for a year has one odd ritual. Every February second a spell is cast over the town and all those who come in contact with it. This spell is sometimes strong enough to drag the weak of mind out of their beds at two o’clock in the morning and stand in the cold while cult leaders, wearing black suits and top hats, dance around a fiberglass log.
Yeah, I’ve seen a bunch of your newfangled “action flicks” that you people are watching in theaters these days. I was underwhelmed by “G.I. Joe,” underwhelmed by “Ninja Assassin” and “Transformers 2,” and just plain whelmed by “The Book of Eli.” But all you young people out there, you get so excited when you see this stuff, you’re practically pissing in your popcorn! Well let me tell you something; the action movies of my day were so awesome you’d start blowing CRAP out your EYEBALLS if you so much as glanced at ‘em.
