You call yourself a director, but I call you a FOOL. Yes, sir, a fool of the first degree! And in this case, “first” is worse than “third”: it’s like murder, not burns. Which brings up the question: if I burn you to death, what degree would the fire be?
Two or so years ago, you taped a little flick (I won’t say “film” with respect to your travesty) named Adventureland. You held open casting for the role of Frigo, and the only reason you didn’t give me the part is I didn’t bother to audition. An unforgivable oversight on your part!
Naturally, I did the next best thing: I signed me and Elbowdrop up to be extras. But you, ever the sucker, failed to get your money’s worth. Even though you paid me a few hundred dollars to pretend winter was summer, and that gorgeous blond was my girlfriend, you didn’t show even a second of me onscreen! I can’t for a second imagine why not.
So, sure, I wore sunglasses at night even though your assistant director told me not to, but they were really cool looking sunglasses! Your editor should have looked at me and thought, “My God, that man looks so COOL! I shall quit my editing job and spend my life trying to find him and make him fall in love with me!” Actually, I assume that this is exactly what happened, and the reason I’m not in the film is because your editor ran off, forcing you to finish editing it yourself. Of course, you ruined it by cutting me out. You curmudgeon.
I’ll have you know I nearly incited rebellion. I was fully prepared to take over your production by force, and install myself as Director-for-Life of the Democratic Republic of Adventurland. I got about two dozen of your extras under a heat lamp chanting my name*. For about thirty seconds of their lives, I held total power over them. But then someone brought some donuts over and everyone forgot about it. YOU DODGED A BULLET, SIR.
You might be wondering, “Who is this crazy internet man writing about a film that finished post-production two years ago?” Well, sir, this internet man was too lazy to see your film when it came out, and has lived for the past two years assuming he is a movie star and wondering why nobody recognizes him. Imagine his chagrin upon seeing how horribly you hacked down his screentime from next to nothing to nothing. You will be hearing from my agent, sir.
And yes, I know I broke my own rule about not saying “film”, but if you think about it, that’s really your fault too.
*A lot of this actually happened. -Tanz