An unfortunate accident last Thursday at an elementary school in Tulsa, Oklahoma has led to the addition of glitter to the list of dangerous goods.
The accident, which occurred at Lee Elementary, was reportedly caused when third-grader Samantha Brown’s art class project somehow entered the school’s ventilation system, triggering the rapid distribution of a “metric shitload” of glitter. Within minutes, the entire building was filled with a thick haze of glitter dust.
Of those who could escape the school, almost all suffered respiratory irritation and severe shock. Furthermore, for days afterward, the survivors sustained flesh wounds as they attempted to remove the glitter from their skin and hair. Several thousand residents of Tulsa reported similar afflictions.
An estimated 17 students and faculty are trapped within the building, unable to escape the clouds. By now, they have likely died of asphyxiation, according to local officials. Rescue teams are anxiously waiting for the glitter to “calm down”. They fear that entering the building while the glitter is still in an excited state could release even more glitter into the surrounding air, killing local residents and fauna alike. An evacuation of all residences within a 25-mile radius of the school has been ordered in the meantime.
An emergency session of the United Nations Economic and Social Council‘s Sub-Committee of Experts on the Transport of Dangerous Goods was held yesterday to designate glitter as a dangerous good. A transport label for the substance was also designed, using the likeness of glam rock singer Gary Glitter.