“Action Packed?” Pffffft!

Yeah, I’ve seen a bunch of your newfangled “action flicks” that you people are watching in theaters these days. I was underwhelmed by “G.I. Joe,” underwhelmed by “Ninja Assassin” and “Transformers 2,” and just plain whelmed by “The Book of Eli.” But all you young people out there, you get so excited when you see this stuff, you’re practically pissing in your popcorn! Well let me tell you something; the action movies of my day were so awesome you’d start blowing CRAP out your EYEBALLS if you so much as glanced at ‘em.

“District 9?” Please! Compared to “Die Hard” that movie might as well be “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” Bruce Willis sure as hell didn’t need to use any special effects to get rid of a hotel full of angry Germans! Just his fists, a few bullets, and an AWESOME catchphrase.

And I’ve heard what you people are saying about that “Avatar” movie too. “Non-stop action?” Really? Here’s the thing about non-stop action: it’s not supposed to stop. I distinctly remember pauses for dialogue and exposition in that snooze-fest. You think Jackie Chan had time to stop and explain what was happening in “Legend of Drunken Master?” No! He was too busy KICKING people in the FACE.

You call THAT an explosion?


Really, you think that watching BUILDINGS or CARS explode counts as exciting? That’s about as exciting as watching paint explode! You know what’s exciting? PEOPLE exploding! Now THAT’s action! I tried watching “Surrogates,” and not ONE PERSON explodes in that whole movie! You know what movie has people exploding in it? “Total Recall” does! Because THAT movie doesn’t SUCK!

And finally, what’s with the names you people are giving your movies these days? “Surrogates?” What the hell does THAT tell me about the movie, other than it SUCKS? You know what an action movie title sounds like? “Sudden Death!” Now THAT’S a title! If you don’t know that one, it’s a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie that’s EXACTLY like “Die Hard,” except it takes place in a hockey rink instead of a hotel, which means it’s COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Honestly, if Jean Claude Van Damme’s character from that movie (I don’t remember his name, but it’s OKAY because in a GOOD action movie their names don’t MATTER!) ever met one of today’s so-called “action” heroes, he could pound any of them into pizzas even with one arm hacked off with a CHAINSAW– because that’s how people DID THINGS in those days!

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