Blaine Warbler had never been stopped, nor hindered, in his quest to indiscriminately eat almost everything… Until last week.
“Gasoline, lead, rat poison. He took it all in stride,” recalled Ted Wurg, a close friend of the unfortunate Mr. Warbler. “As kids we used to eat that kind of stuff all the time.”
A glimmer appeared in Ted’s eyes as he shared stories of their childhood. “For pocket change we would offer our consumption services to neighbors. I can’t tell you how many ants, cockroaches, and bastard kids we put away together.”
Asked to recount the circumstances of Blaine’s death, Wurg’s face turned woeful and somber. “I told him, damnit. I told him that stuff was trouble. But he just wouldn’t listen.”
Ted went on to tell us how he found his lifelong friend dead in the bathroom of his house last Thursday. “Yep, he died a-poopin’. Pooped so hard he cracked the bowl. Ain’t nothin’ ever gave Blaine problems like that before. Not even Etan Patz.”
Police detectives discovered an empty beef jerky bag on the floor in the living room of the Warbler residence. An autopsy confirmed that severe diarrhea, triggered by eating a “Do Not Eat” packet, was the cause of death.
totally ate one of those when i was two. parents called poison control. they told us not to do anything because it doesn’t do much of anything..