Mr. Metall,
It is the finding of the IRS that your charity, Hugs for Slugs LLC, is in violation of multiple clauses of the U.S. Tax Code. For one thing, it is not a limited liability company at all, even though LLC is a part of its name. You claim that this stands for “sLLugs Can get hugs”, but we believe you are being deliberately misleading.
Another pressing issue is that your charity does not so much provide hugs for slugs, as it launders money for the mob.
“Slugs are one of the least-hugged creatures on the planet,” your website reads. “Being unhugged commonly causes slugs to display lower self-esteem, devalued body image, and increased urea in slime trails.” First of all, this is pretty disgusting.
“For every $500 you give us,” you continue, “Little Tony will not break your legs.”
This seemingly-innocuous remark tipped us off that maybe something more was going on here. Our crack investigators spent six months Googling “Little Tony” (and “asian buttsex butt sex but sexx colostomy buttsex”, but that is another story). Turns out Little Tony is a mafia hitman from Central Jersey.
Another Little Tony apparently owns a used car shack in Fort Lauderdale, but exhaustive investigations into whether or not he has mafia dealings yielded no results. And, we wound up with several rusty old cars we don’t really need. Speaking of which, Mr. Metall, do you need a new car? Cause I have some nice ones you could buy. This point is unrelated to the crappy cars I just mentioned.
The REAL Little Tony (the hitman one) has been putting all his protection money into your charity’s PayPal account. In fact, he’s the only donor the charity has ever had, apart from Timmy Baker, a preschooler from Minnesota who gave you $.32 on Sept. 22, 2006. I am presuming that Timmy is innocent for the moment, but if evidence to the contrary surfaces, we will have to audit him as well. But in the meantime, our investigation turned up evidence that Little Tony is the only person who’s ever withdrawn money from the PayPal account. Meaning, he’s using the charity to pay himself. We have no idea why he’d do that since it makes no fucking sense, but we all agreed that if we didn’t understand it, it must be evil.
Further evidence: I had lunch with Little Tony once, and he’s a real douchebag. By the way, is Tanz Metall your real name, or are you yourself Little Tony? This seriously didn’t occur to me until just now.
Yeah, I’ve had a really bad day. But you will be happy to note that, due to frustration with overworked schedules, and a lack of desire to know what it actually does, we will not be auditing your other charity, Testicles for Bicycles.
Anyway, pay us some money and we’ll forget this ever happened.
Sincerely yours,
Bob
Worker guy
The IRS
