Dear Tyler,
At dinner with my boyfriend yesterday, he told me that he’s been in love with my sister for the past four years. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. After a really long silence he got up and left. He didn’t even close the door on his way out!
I’m confused because I still feel like I love him. Should I go after him and try to fix things, or should I just let him go?
-Speechless in Sioux Falls
Dear Speechless,
What did you have for dinner? Was it veal? I’ve noticed that eating veal tends to really suck. For instance, my cousin Ben, he can’t hardly ever eat veal without getting the shits. Well, hope that helps!
-Tyler
Dear Tyler,
My mother has terminal breast cancer. Her doctor gave her three months.
She doesn’t want to do any chemo, she says she wants to die with dignity. I keep telling her that you can’t die with dignity, death is death. But I do wonder if I should respect her wishes. Should I back off?
Concerned in Connecticut
Dear Concerned,
Shit dies all the time, man. Like this time I ran over a woodchuck in my pickup. It made a hilarious crunchy sound. I got real hungry after that so I went and bought eight jars of Valu-Time peanut butter. I left it sitting around the house open with several jars in each room so I didn’t have to go to the kitchen just to get peanut butter. It went bad real fast but I just couldn’t stop eating it! I didn’t die from that, ha, but I never would be where I am today if that woodchuck hadn’t died.
-Tyler
Dear Tyler,
My daughter got called a racial slur in school today. I had a lot of trouble explaining to her what the word meant, or why anyone would think it is a bad thing. Now I’m trying to decide whether I should call the boy’s parents–but more likely than not, he inherited the attitude from them. I just can’t figure out if it would do any good. Little help here?
Worried in Wisconsin
Hey, sup, Wisconsin dog! I have a nephew in Wisconsin. He runs a dairy farm off R42. It’s snowin, like, all the time there.
One time when I was there, I took a shit in the outhouse and it splashed back on my ass. I went back into the house and was like, man, what the fuck? Your outhouse splashed my ass with shit, man! And he was all, what outhouse, dude?
Turns out I’d eaten some bad cheese and it’d gone all psychotronic, or whatever. Hallucinated the whole trip to the outhouse! Cops said I actually crapped at a school bus stop in front of a bunch of elementary kids. Guess they learned something about potty training that day!
-Tyler
Dear Tyler,
It’s mom. Where are you? Your father and I are very worried. We saw the thing on the news, and both of us want to know if it’s true. You know Frank loved that chicken.
Please call.
-Mom
Dear Mom,
Jesus H Christ I told you to stop writin me at work! God! And no, I was framed.
Gotta run, cops have my address. Oh, that reminds me, tell Frank I’m keeping the chicken.
-Tyler
