For too long, we have suffered under various regimes whose priorities are utterly out of touch with the lives of normal Americans. It’s time to change that. Like you, I have a much more down-to-earth, everyman’s attitude when it comes to legislation. Here are the issues that are closest to my heart.
Toilet Law
I will support legislation making it your roommate’s job to plunge the toilet. I will veto your roommate’s insistence that it is your turn.
Parking Spaces
Every man has the God-given right to park wherever he damn well pleases. If the stupid fucking cops give him a parking ticket, he should be allowed to burn the courthouse.
That Fucking Bastard Cutting You Off
It seems hardly a day passes where a hardworking American isn’t cut off by a fucking bastard. I will make cutting you off a felony. I will also require all convicted fucking bastards to add their names to a registry and alert their neighbors when they move into a new neighborhood.
Sick Day Expansion
I will bribe every doctor in the country into issuing excuses for any sick day you feel like taking. If you are fired for taking 73 sick days, I will pay a man to pee on your boss.
Fart Reform
I will repeal Smelt It Dealt It, which unfairly punishes honest whistleblowing and leads to fart witchhunts.
Dirty Dishes
It is not the Government’s role to step in and do your dishes. However, it is not your job to wash your dishes either, any more than it is your job to wash homeless people. If the homeless people don’t wash themselves, they suffer the consequences–dishes should be no different. Under my rule of law, all dishes will be required to wash themselves.
Pube Regulation
On the hot-button issue of pubic hairs in shower drains, I take the moderate stance that it should be illegal to possess quantities of pubes greater than 500 grams, except for medical purposes.
