PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST
About four minutes pass while we see shit we’ve already obsessively watched four to six times.
INT. THE JUNGLE – NOONISH
A figure crashes through the jungle. the music tells us it is important
We can’t see who it is
INT. SUN’S GARDEN
Sun is in her garden.
CREAKY CRASHY
She turns around to see who the creaky crashy is
no one is there
INT. THE JUNGLE
CRASH SNAP BREAK go the twigs and branches, whoever it is, sure is runnin’.
Meanwhile, the list of Guest Stars gives away that it is Mira Furlan’s character crashing through the underbrush.
INT. SUN’S GARDEN
Mira Furlan’s character (Rew Sew) crashes out of the underbrush.
I am not wearing a bra.
A giant “LOST” flies toward the screen to tell the audience that the characters are LOST just in case they forgot
INT. FLASHBACK
Sun is being operated on by Jack in the past. the reason he does not recognize her is because she has bag on head.
I cannot operate with this bag on head
JACK’S DAD SR.
Jack, are you CRAZY?! it’s the only thing keeping her alive!!!
WHOOSHING SOUND
INT. MEANWHILE, ON THE BEACH
Walt and Hurley invent a new game combining ping pong and Backgammon. it is called pick gong. however it is so boring that i can’t even write about it here, but be sure to spend like twenty minutes on it.
INT. SUN’S GARDEN
Cate, Jake, Soyer, and Si-Eed and also Sun stand around looking at Rew Sew. Rew Sew speaks using sexy accent but looks pretty gross I mean she’s french and in the jungle for sixteen years so how clean could the pits be.
I was wandering around the island which is huge by the way and saw some guys taking Michael to an amusement park. however I don’t need to tell you that however happy he looks and however awesome the rides may be that this is some kind of evil plan by the Others and hes’ not really happy.
JACK
How far is it.
REW SEW
Not far.
Rew Sew shows them a map of the island. It’s huge. Everywhere is marked as “not far” except for the furthest point away from them
We have to get him back. Okay, me and Si-Eed will go.
SOYER
Like hell you are, [nickname], I am going too because I am contrary.
KATE
Me also.
JACK
No you’re not
kate
yes i am
jack
no your not
kate
yes i am
jack
if I say no youre not one more time than you do, you have to stay
kate
dammit
MEANWHILE, ON THE BORING SIDE OF THE ISLAND
walt beats hurley at pick gong.
WHOOSHING SOUND
INT. SUN FLASHBACK
why the fuck did I make Sun the viewpoint character for an episode where she doesn’t do anything, well whatever in the flashback she’s in her garden in japan or something. somewhere along the way she sleeps with Soyer who doesn’t recognize her because he was temporarily blinded by Charlie who didn’t recognize him because he was on some serious drugs.
WHOOSHING SOUND
INT. THE JUNGLE
Rew Sew, Jake walk through the woods. Cait shows up
I told you not to come
KATE
Well, I went anyway
JACK
god dammit
Si-Eed comes on to say,
Hi, even though you told me to go with you, I didn’t
Si-Eed exits stage left.
let’s double back after sayid and find him.
JACK
no cate sayid went after michael who went after desmond who went after something else that happened in season one. we can’t keep going after people
KATE
I’m going anyway but I’m not going to tell you about it.
jack takes his gun and hits her in the back of the head, pushing the magic button that turns a person into energy saver mode. she gets knocked out.
INT. HATCH SOMEWHERE
Ben is talking with big creepy eyes, we don’t see who he’s talking to
ben: the real risk is Kate and Soyer. There sexual tension threatens to overwhelm the island
Suddenly, it is revealed that he is speaking to JACK’S TWIN!!!
Suddenly, SOMEONE ELSE crashes on the island on a HUGE SHIP but we don’t see who until halfway through the next episode, the end.
PRODUCER: RA’UF GLASGOW, etc
(also what the hell kind of name is ra’uf glasgow.)
