Spurred on by Arizona legislature’s new immigration law, the federal government has now taken action to end illegal immigration. Permanently. Like, all of it.
Arizona’s law requires that potential illegal immigrants (e.g. Hispanic people) have immigration documents on them at all times. Supporters and critics of the measure alike agree that it’s the toughest measure on immigration ever seen in the U.S., or at least they did, until today.
“Many of our original immigrants may have arrived in the United States without immigration papers,” said Dr. Harold Landfor, an expert on immigration law, “especially considering that the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service didn’t exist at the time. Also, many people who have been here for a while – say, a couple generations – may have done so without a visa, green card, or other relevant paperwork. If these people don’t have something on their person proving their status as legal aliens, I think it’s clear that they must be up to no good and should therefore be deported post-haste.”
Added Dr. Landfor, “It’s staggering what percentage of crimes in this country are committed by the descendants of Irish, English, Scottish, Italian, French, Albanian, African, Bolivian, German, Sudanese, Chinese, Japanese, Ethiopean, Cuban, and other immigrants. And 90% of these people don’t even have green cards anymore.”
“Think of all the jobs these people are taking away from hard-working American citizens,” said Janice Zepali, a store manager in Philadelphia. “Without these groups overrunning our country, unemployment and other hallmarks of the economic crisis would disappear. Of course, so would the economy. Agriculture for everyone!”
The measure has proved a big hit among far-right wingers, as it promises to deport President Barack Obama back to one of his ancestors’ home countries, chosen at random, because as a U.S. Citizen he naturally doesn’t have any immigration papers. “Now that, friends, is change I can believe in,” chortled Sarah Palin, who didn’t seem to mind that she was being deported too. Other members of government to be departed include: all of the House, all of the Senate, and everyone else, except for Senator Russell Pearce, who seemed to have been preparing for just such an occasion. All of his papers appeared to be in order.
When asked how they felt about the new laws, local Native American youth John Fresh-Eagle responded by high-fiving with his friends and attempting to high-five this reporter. (We reciprocated, albeit with somewhat mixed feelings.) However, after a moment one of them got real quiet and said they hoped no one realized that they might’ve only been here for 12,000 years or so.
To make a long story short, the Native American community’s initial response was positive, but they did have a few reservations.