BP’s Next Stupid Idea

Although everybody says that nuking the spill isn’t on the table, the fact that it’s even being discussed in the New York Times just goes to show you what capable hands we’re all in. Right? Because nukes are a great way for sealing things up, not, you know, blasting huge holes in them and scattering the debris all over the fucking place. And nothing screams “Success!” like a dead, oil-covered, radioactive porpoise.

Apparently there’s this attitude that nukes can do anything because not enough people really know how they work. Since we don’t know how this damn oil rig works either, I guess that makes the two completely compatible.

Fortunately, cooler heads will probably prevail, with ideas that will probably resemble the following.

The Tarp Trap

A tarp will be placed in a microwave. The microwave will be set to high heat for five minutes. Hopefully the tarp will become infused with radiation that will cause it to mutate into a giant tarp. This giant tarp will then be placed over the Gulf of Mexico.

The Bottle Fizzle

A giant bottle of Coca-Cola will be lowered above the pipe, mouth down. Then, a huge Mentos will be crammed inside it. The resulting pressure from the fizz will push the oil back down into the ground.

The Milkshake

Oil from the beaches will be mixed with ice cream to make chocolate ice cream. This does not stop the leak, but it does make it economically profitable.

The Spaghun

While thinking about accusations that they are just throwing spaghetti at the wall, one BP engineer shouted, “That’s it!” and dashed off to his study to draw up a plan. He came back with a schematic of a spaghetti cannon and a sloppy drawing of a cowboy, the latter of which he had drawn “just for fun”. The idea is… well, I’m pretty sure you can figure out what a spaghetti gun would do.

Finally, the only option that would actually work:

Giving Up on the Gulf

It’s really just time we admitted that anyone trying to live in this area is completely forsaken by whatever God they do or don’t believe in. It’s time to quit while they’re behind, because if they don’t, next year is gonna be the year a giant butthole appears in the sky and shits all over New Orleans.

When God’s wrath and dingleberries start to rain down from the heavens, I’ll be here to say, “I told you so.”


According to MSNBC, a new cap was fitted onto it, and officials are “cautiously optimistic”. However, it’s hard to tell if it’s working yet, because “the gushing oil makes it very difficult to tell if the cap is fitting well.”


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