POLE OF INACCESSIBILITY, ANTARCTICA – Member nations of the Antarctic Treaty were shocked to learn that millions of square miles of useless, uninhabitable frozen wasteland was forcefully taken away from them today when Cogwell Rutland of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA planted the flag of that city squarely on top of the decades old statue of Lenin that has for so long marked the point furthest from the southern sea in the Antarctic landmass. Instantly, the city of Pittsburgh’s land area increased 9,262,400%.
“I just thought, three rivers n’at are cool but hey we could really use dis place” said Cogwell when reached for comment. “I came down ‘ere to look at em pengins o’er dere and I had dis flag n’all so what the heck y’know. Stole me a snowplow and came out ‘ere and planed it. And my muther said I’d never git outta Polish Hill!” Cogwell also installed himself as Emperor of the Southern Sea.
Of course, a multinational coalition of signatory nations will be formed to destroy and overthrow Pittsburgh’s government and return the Antarctic to the purpose of peaceful scientific research. The pole of inaccessibility will also be carpet bombed.
CHICAGO – In what started as a gathering of news-people to hear of the recent exploits of socialite and sociopath Clarissa Dodger, an authoritarian situation has now developed.
Annual Report of the Finances of Clunkline.com, INC.
Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants.
Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management.
And the winner is… “Controlling the heart with lasers may actually be safe”*
Oh, well that’s a relief. All this time, we’ve been unloading our lasers on people’s hearts just in the off-chance that it’s a good idea, and finally, here we have the proof! Proof inside the proverbial pudding. A pudding made from lasers and advances in health science.
Pudding actually sounds pretty good right now. Mm, gelatinous substances. Well, that is why I went into the field of medicine / mad science in the first place… I just can’t get enough of gooey things.
For those of you who don’t know, Adam’s Morgan is a neighborhood in northwest DC (the good part) which resembles the busiest and most hoppin drags in America’s college towns. Ignore for a moment the name sounds like some sort of gay master slave relationship.
WHEREIN Angus DeLaRoche AND John Bakerton HAVING MET ON THE FIELD OF HONOR, DO ENGAGE IN MORTAL COMBAT TO DECIDE A VICTOR IN A MATTER OF PERSONAL INSULT.
*Shoelaces untie themselves. Headphone cords tie themselves. Even if you notice this and start tying your shoes with headphones, you won’t get what you want.
*If you cut off your finger, it won’t grow back. If you cut off a hairy, disgusting mole, it’ll grow back.
